Let's Try This Again
by comebacktome24
Summary: I know, I know. It's been done a million times before. But this is a Carmen/Shane reunion story. It picks up after season 6, when an engaged Carmen returns to LA.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Showtime.

Season notes: Evidence quickly arises in Jenny's case, freeing Alice from suspicion and implicating suicide after Nicki's confrontation. Bette and Tina postpone the move to New York after finding their birth mother and finalizing plans to have her move in.

Chapter 1

Carmen knew what might happen if she walked into The Planet. It was difficult for her to sift through her emotions and decide whether or not she wanted it to happen. A frighteningly vivid picture of Shane swam into her mind—the last time Carmen had ever seen Shane. Shane was walking away, hand in hand with her father in her relaxed jeans and casual black coat. She had that horrible uneven black pixie cut with the weird frosted tips that Carmen had been too distracted to comment on while they were together. After all, she had only hated it in an offhand, uncommitted way, like the pizza you order time after time even though its isn't particularly good. It's something you become comfortable with so you don't bother to change it.

Carmen had started to wonder. Had she ever been comfortable with Shane? They were clearly infatuated with one another. And Carmen had no doubt that Shane was completely sexy, amazingly charming, and life-threateningly addictive. When Carmen was with Shane, all she wanted was more. But it wasn't comfortable. Surely, it was never comfortable. In fact, she now began to think that she had been treading on eggshells the entire year that they were together, constantly afraid that something she did might scare Shane away. Carmen used to think of her time in LA as the happiest time in her life; now she wasn't so sure.

Regardless, there were other reasons that she needed to walk through that door. If nothing else, she was most likely to find a job here in West Hollywood. And specifically at The Planet. She knew Kit and Helena would book her. Additionally, as much as she had run away in the past three years, she did miss them: Helena, Kit, Tina, Bette, Alice, Max… and Shane. The Planet had offered a little family, an oasis of gay, in which she had always felt at home. She knew that rejoining the LA gay community was what she wanted and needed. Finally, Olivia needed to know this part of her past. At least, Carmen had convinced herself that this was true. She felt like she could never fully explain herself, could never make Olivia understand, until Olivia saw it. Perhaps Carmen was still grappling with her own understanding.

Olivia was simply happy, innocently and obliviously so. She held Carmen's hand as the two walked down the busy Los Angeles street. She could smell the warm vanilla smell of Carmen's body wash, mixed with the sweat from the hot day and was incredible aroused. She pulled Carmen closer and squeezed her hand. Carmen turned and smiled at Olivia and Olivia felt a head-to-toe rush. Carmen was incredibly beautiful, perhaps even more so in the warm, California sun. And her smile always made Olivia a little dizzy. Some days Olivia still couldn't believe that someone like Carmen was her girlfriend. Of course Olivia had been with beautiful women before; in fact, one might say she was quite beautiful herself. Tall and solidly built, while still maintaining a graceful femininity, Olivia was olive-skinned with dark, straight hair, slightly Grecian features, and amazing green eyes. She was a Latina, like Carmen, and she loved the way the browns of their skin mixed. Carmen's lighter, like caramel and Olivia's a bit darker.

Carmen suddenly felt incredibly safe. She spun the diamond ring on her left hand and felt confident in herself and in Olivia. She was aware of Olivia looking at her and admiring her and had a great urge to lie down on a big bed, curled up with Olivia, hidden from the world. Carmen's trust in Olivia came so naturally and so simply; it was one of the reasons Carmen loved her. Olivia was also confident and almost naively kind, extremely intelligent, devoted, and strangely alluring. When they were out, women always came up and tried to flirt with Olivia. Carmen sometimes found it ironic that her two serious relationships had been with sexy, charming women-magnets. The difference was Olivia always turned them down.

The two finally made it to the doors of The Planet. Carmen opened the doors and led them in. The air conditioning was a welcome relief and Carmen, too busy taking in her new yet familiar surroundings and relishing this moment of return, took a second to recognize the familiar faces of Tina, Bette, Helena, and Alice exclaiming in surprise and happiness at her arrival. When she did see them she was ecstatic. She ran, with Olivia in tow, to their table and gave each of them a big hug. Olivia enjoyed watching Carmen in her element like this; Carmen's warmth and ease with people was always a treat for Olivia. Introductions were soon made, the two quickly pulled up chairs, and the usual catching-up conversation had commenced with ease.

"Wow, Carmen. When did you get back to LA?" asked Tina.

"Just one week ago," replied Carmen.

"And when did you get engaged?" Helena chimed in.

" And what the hell have you been up to?" threw in Bette.

"Woah, guys, one question at a time."

"OK, definitely the engagement one," replied Alice

Olivia and Carmen smiled at each other.

"I proposed two months ago. I knew Carmen wanted to move back to LA so she could be close to her family. And I knew that I wanted to move there with her," explained Olivia.

"She took me out to a birthday dinner. My present was two one-way tickets to California."

"When she looked up, I was on one knee, holding out the ring. She said yes."

"We sold our lease and started looking for a house out here. Olivia was so confident I would say yes she had already resigned from her position with her firm."

"And two months later, here we are. We're still finalizing the sale of our lease back home, but we're officially moved into our new house."

"Congratulations!" everyone at the table exclaimed.

"So, when did you meet? And Carmen, where the fuck have you been?" asked Alice.

"Well, I moved back in with my family for a little bit before moving to Chicago with my sister. She had a job offer with the Hispanic Studies department at University of Chicago and let me tag along with her. I lived there for about a two years before I met Olivia. She was a lawyer in the city and U of C called her in for a quick consultation. I happened to be on campus that day and we met at the student coffee shop. The barista was hitting on her."

"She was not."

"Please. The barista was hitting on her and was too busy to serve me coffee. Finally, Olivia made her take my order and I don't know. I guess the rest is history. We ended up drinking our coffees together. I think the barista still hasn't forgiven me."

Olivia and Carmen smiled at each other, sharing memories the others in the group can't know.

"And now look at you," breathed Helena.

Carmen and Olivia leaned over and kissed each other, while the rest of the group looked on in contentment, pleased that Carmen had returned happy and healthy.

However, there was still a little tension in the air. Everyone wanted to ask Carmen the same question. Finally, Alice found the nerve.

"So… have you seen Shane?"

Carmen turned from Olivia to Alice still smiling, clearly not yet comprehending the question. When Carmen realized what Alice had asked her smile became noticeably forced. Olivia, recognizing Carmen's uneasiness, grabbed Carmen's thigh under the table, and Carmen quickly responded.

"We haven't run into each other yet."

"Oh, OK. Cool."

Carmen quickly changed the subject. "So, what have you guys all been up to? From the gossip flying around town, you've had a crazy couple of months."

The group looked at each other. They had indeed dealt with a lot. Tina and Bette's recently renewed adoption plans that had kept them in LA until the baby was born, obviously Jenny's death, Shane's breakdown, Alice's arrest and ultimate release. It was a lot to handle.

"Well, you heard about Jenny, right?" asked Helena.

"Yeah. They decided it was suicide?"

Bette snorted. "Please, Nikki pushed her."

"Bette…" Tina stared at Bette, willing her to stop talking about this.

"What? Tina, you know I'm right. They fished around for bogus evidence incriminating one of us because they couldn't stand Hollywood's precious Nikki Stevens being guilty. When there was no longer any way for anyone other than Nikki to have murdered Jenny, they stopped investigating a murder and declared it suicide."

"I just don't think we need to discuss this any further."

"Fine," replied Bette indignantly.

"And Alice, why did they think it was you?"

"Purple fibers in Jenny's fingernails that matched my dress. It was completely crazy, seeing as we had been in contact all night. They finally let me go when it no longer became plausible for there to have been a struggle during which Jenny might have grabbed my dress. She was either pushed from behind or she jumped," explained Alice.

"Oh my god, you guys. I am so sorry," exclaimed Carmen.

"Yeah, we're sorry too. It was just a shitty situation," explained Tina. "And Shane still hasn't really recovered."

Bette and Alice glanced at Carmen at the mention of Shane. She appeared not to care, or at least was trying not to care.

"OK, OK, when are you guys actually going to tie the knot?" asked Alice, changing the subject yet again.

"Well, we're going to hold off on setting a date until we're a little more settled. I mean, I still have to take the California BAR and find practice here in L.A.," explained Olivia.

"That makes sense. Where are you planning on doing the ceremony?" asked Helena.

"We're thinking about Vermont. A cute, little bed and breakfast town. It's gonna be a small ceremony. Family and close friends only," said Olivia.

"Wow, that will be really beautiful," smiled Tina.

Carmen grinned and turned to Olivia for another kiss.

"So," exclaimed Carmen in a business-like tone, suddenly turning away from Olivia. "What is this new Hit everyone's talking about?"

Everyone turned to Helena. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders in her distinctive non-committal style. The simple familiarity of that gesture brought a smile to Carmen's face.

"It's just a club," replied Helena.

"Just a club," exclaimed Alice indignantly. "Please Helena." Turning to Carmen, she explained, "Hit is the biggest gay club in LA now. It's changed the scene entirely. Kit booked Joan Jett a month ago. Joan Jett! LA magazine wrote a glowing review. There are month-long waitlists to get in on Saturdays."

"Shut up Alice," hushed Helena.

"Wait, Helena. Joan Jett? That is not something to shut up about," answered Carmen. "Wow, wow. That is just so…awesome." She had to work a little to mask the disappointment in her voice. If this was truly the case, how was she going to get a job? It had never occurred to her that Kit and Helena would have gotten _too_ big.

Suddenly, Kit appeared from The Planet office. "Hell no. Hell no. Baby girl, what are you doing here?"

"Kit!"

Carmen leapt up and embraced Kit. The two had definitely been major fans of each other. Music was a strong bond in their relationship, and back when The Planet had first become Kit's, they had worked really hard together to make it a serious venue.

"When did you get back into town, girl? And why have you not come to see me yet? And why have you not spun at my club?"

Carmen should have been expecting this, but she couldn't help from laughing happily.

"I'm sorry," she explained smiling. "I just got back into town. Me and Olivia have been settling in."

"Olivia? Oh girl, no you didn't."

"Kit, I'd like you to meet my fiancé Olivia. Olivia this is Kit."

"Well, it is so very nice to meet you Olivia. Welcome to LA and to The Planet."

"Thank you so much. It's so great to finally meet you Ms. Porter. Your reputation and Carmen's stories precede you."

"If you managed to win the heart of this lovely lady, then I'm sure the pleasure is all mine."

Kit grabbed a seat at their table and the group continued to catch up. However, a little bit of tension remained. Carmen was on edge waiting for someone else to mention Shane. Most of them were getting over the shock of seeing her so suddenly. And Alice was having to fight awkward surges of confusion and disappointment whenever Carmen kissed Olivia. The last person she had seen Carmen kiss had been Shane. It had always been Shane. Even with three years of distance, Alice, and she was sure others felt the same, still believed that Carmen and Shane somehow belonged to each other. Not with each other; they had driven each other crazy after all. But there was an ownership there, a claim that Alice was having trouble overcoming.

Olivia, meanwhile, felt the isolation of being in a group of women who could not know each other better. Almost as soon as she sat down, she could sense how in sync they all were. And Carmen, well Olivia could already see Carmen settling back in. Though she was confident that she would be welcomed with open arms, that her status as Carmen's fiancé would earn her a free pass, there was still a moment's panic. What if she jumps back in without me?

Luckily, beneath this tension sat confidence. It was as if everyone at the table, even as they recognized the present discomfort, knew that an easy friendship lay in the future. Even if it wasn't the case now, Olivia and Carmen were going to become an expected and welcomed fixture at The Planet. How could it be otherwise?

"Well, we actually need to go pick up some new dishware for our apartment. But it was sooo amazing seeing you guys," said Carmen, as she and Olivia acknowledged their needed departure and stood up at the exact same time. "Kit, can I call you about deejaying?"

"Yeah, sure. Let me know when you're free girl."

"It was great meeting all of you," added Olivia politely.

And with that, the two left The Planet, hand-in-hand, sharing a private joke on their way out.

"Wow," exclaimed Alice.

"I know," agreed Tina.

"I don't know whether to be more happy, surprised, or scared for Shane," said Alice.

"Scared for Shane? Scared for Carmen," Bette chimed in.

"Scared? What you two scared of? They are both obviously over each other," Kit questioned.

"Oh no no no, they may have both moved on. But they're both dykes, and a relationship like the one they had? You never forget something like that. It just, stays with you," explained Bette.

"I think they'll be OK though. I mean, Carmen _is_ engaged," added Helena.

"She's not just engaged. She's in love. I mean, you guys saw what I saw, right? The two of them were as in love as you two," said Kit, pointing to Bette and Tina. "Carmen looked genuinely happier than I've ever seen her before."

"Yeah, well you've only seen her in love once before," countered Bette.

"Come on guys, let's not be so pessimistic. Kit and Helena are probably right. We're overreacting," reasoned Tina.

"OK, well, I'll leave you lesbos to figure this out. I've got to go pick up Tasha from work. See you guys later."


	2. Chapter 2

Later that night, the group met up at Hit. Despite ongoing discussion, no one had been able to decide whether they should tell Shane that Carmen was back in town, or if they should wait for Carmen to initiate contact. But when Kit said that Carmen was probably going to come tonight with Olivia and maybe spin a guest track, they decided that they couldn't inflict the pain of a surprise encounter upon Shane.

Soon after Bette and Tina had grabbed drinks and staked out a set of couches, Alice entered with Tasha and Shane. The three joined Bette and Tina. As soon as they sat down, it became clear that Alice had been elected to break the news.

"Hey Shane, so, we kind of ran into an old friend this morning."

Shane, who was clearly already scoping the scene, wasn't really listening.

"Hmm, that's nice Alice."

"No, Shane, seriously you need to listen. She is _your_ old friend."

"What are you talking about Alice?"

Alice looked around at the others for support. Tina and Bette nodded at her. It was time to shoot it straight.

"Carmen is back in town," said Alice suddenly.

Shane froze.

"What?"

"You heard me."

Shane turned back to the dance floor. "How… how was she?"

"She's really good. She's engaged to a woman named Olivia. They're probably going to come tonight."

No one could see Shane's face, but it was clear that this information had had some sort of effect.

"Good, I'm glad for her," Shane replied roughly. Shane stood up. "I'm gonna go get another drink." And with that she wound her way quickly to the bar.

There, she ordered a shot and a beer. The sickly taste of tequila burned Shane's throat as she tossed it back. She leant against the bar, beer in hand, eyes closed. Why did she suddenly have the urge to drink out the bar? Surely it had nothing to do with Carmen. She had barely thought of Carmen in a year and a half. Of course, Shane was painfully aware of how special Carmen was and of how much she had meant. But the nature of their relationship, missing Carmen, these weren't the aspects of her pain. Shane squeezed her eyes shut tighter. It was knowing how much pressure she was going to be under to reenter a normal friendship with Carmen. Just imagining how civil she was going to have to be to this Olivia was enough to make her sick. And on top of that, another happy couple, engaged, and ready to shove their bliss in her face. She needed to go to the bathroom.

She headed for the back of the club. It happened so fast. One second, she was snaking around a cute blonde who she thought she might try to find later, the next she had literally run into a flustered but amazingly beautiful Carmen coming out of the bathroom. An interaction Shane might have avoided as long as possible had just been thrust into existence. She didn't really see how she could not say something.

Carmen seemed to be having the same exact thoughts. She wore a slightly pained expression, as though opening her mouth right now was the last thing she wanted to do. Yet, despite all the thoughts that should have been running through her head, and all of the ways she had wanted to start this conversation, the comical realization of how badly Shane had to go to the bathroom was the only thing she could focus on. Perhaps it was a good thing, otherwise Carmen may have felt much more anxiety about this too-soon reunion. As it was, she was almost laughing.

"Do you, uh, do you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

Of all the things Shane had expected to hear from Carmen, that was not high on the list of possibilities.

"Um," she replied, clearing her throat. "Um, yeah."

"Well you can go." Carmen's reply almost came out meanly. The implication that these two didn't even owe each other a simple set of "how are you's" was subtle, but apparent to both of them.

Shane, taken aback, retreated behind her bangs. Carmen's sense of déjà vu at that moment was so strong she almost yelped. She managed to maintain her aloof manner.

"Well, uh, yeah, OK. I'll just, go then," was Shane's reply.

"OK," said Carmen, with a sly smile. "You do that."

Carmen started to walk away, almost feeling smug. She had never thought she'd have the upper hand when it came to talking to Shane.

"Hey Carmen, welcome back to LA," Shane yelled after her, willing their first conversation to be more than what it was.

Carmen turned around, but Shane had already continued her trip to the bathroom. She suddenly felt awful. For all of Shane's flaws, there was no littleness of character to her; it would never have even occurred to her to "win" their exchange. Carmen knew she should have been more charitable, but her guilt quickly subsided. She had resolved long, long ago to not owe Shane anything when she got back to LA. She turned on her heel to join Olivia at the couches.

"Hey baby, Kit just came by looking for you. You're going to be on in about 20 minutes when the DJ takes a break."

"Oh, alright. Thanks Liv." Carmen then turned to the rest of the group. " I saw Shane guys, so you can stop freaking out, as I know you've been doing since I walked into The Planet this morning."

"What us? Freak out?" retorted Alice, which brought an indignant snort from Carmen. "But, so, you guys are good? You talked?"

"Yeah, sure."

"And, you are both…OK?" asked Tina, searching for the right adjective. OK seemed far from the mark. What, at this point, would make them OK?

"Well, surprisingly, the world did not end. So, yeah, I think we are all OK." Carmen was getting sick of the assumptions she knew everyone else was making. She was not still some fragile girl ready to be hurt by Shane. In fact, seeing an un-showered, unkempt Shane with dark circles under her eyes, Carmen wondered if Shane even had it in her to hurt anyone.

"Baby, what's going on? Why is everyone convinced that something bad is going to happen between you and this woman?" Olivia whispered.

"Well, you know, the last time they saw me, I was totally in love with Shane and devastated. In their connect-the-dot world, it makes sense."

"But why is it different than meeting any other ex?"

"What do you picture, when you picture me with Shane?"

"I don't know. Any other lesbian relationship. You were younger, so you guys probably thought your love was something incandescent…"

"No," Carmen cut her off. "It wasn't blissful young love. It was a manic, self-destructive, obsessive relationship. Like a drug. We were literally addicted to each other. It was totally unhealthy, completely sex-crazed, and in the end horrible. But what's the fear when an ex-heroin addict sees the drug again for the first time…" Carmen gestured toward the rest of the group. "They have reason to be worried. I think they are more worried for Shane. She's been through a lot recently. But you don't have to be worried. I have you."

Olivia normally would have taken such a trite comment with a grain of salt, but something about the way Carmen said it imbued her with absolute trust. Of course Shane was going to be a non-issue. She and Carmen were completely committed to this relationship; if Carmen had thought Shane would be a problem, she wouldn't have come back to WeHo.

"Speak of the devil," shouted Alice as Shane sauntered over.

Carmen instinctively snuggled closer to Olivia and she felt Olivia respond with hot breath on the top of her ear. She almost shuddered. She wanted to be on the dance floor, dancing with Olivia right now. But if she got up and left just as Shane arrived, well that wouldn't inspire much confidence.

"Shane, you haven't met Olivia yet, have you?" inquired Tina.

"Oh, wow, my bad. Shane this is Olivia, Olivia Shane," Carmen said.

Olivia stood up to take Shane's hand.

"It's great to meet you," said Olivia, ever the charitable well-mannered one.

However, taking Shane's hand, Olivia could suddenly and very plainly imagine Shane and Carmen together. As Shane's long fingers clasped around her hand, she could see that hand holding Carmen's, running though Carmen's hair, grabbing Carmen's waist, brushing Carmen's breast, inside Carmen…

Olivia dropped Shane's hand and settled back down next to Carmen. She felt protective, and had the weird desire to punch Shane. They say seeing is believing. Olivia could finally understand how this woman could inflict so much pain. She even began to wonder how Carmen could stand to be there.

At that moment, Carmen's fingers curled around Olivia's. "Of course," Olivia thought to herself. "You're the reason Carmen can be here." And with that knowledge, she smiled and turned to give Carmen a kiss on the cheek.

Shane had settled down on the couches by Bette. She wanted to leave the club with a girl, like now. She had felt Olivia's hand stiffen. She had seen the way Olivia looked at her. It was clear she had already lost the trust of another person in the circle. Though frankly, she didn't really care. Olivia was on the periphery of her concerns, as long as she made Carmen happy. And what else should she expect? That Olivia and her were going to be best friends? She could just imagine the horrible stories Carmen had been able to tell.

Kit approached their set of couches.

"Ooh, baby girl, you are almost up. I am so excited. I haven't heard you spin in years. How good do you think you are now? Like, this year's Kid Cudi? Do you wanna go set up?"

Carmen laughed. "Yeah, almost like Kid Cudi." She turned to kiss Olivia goodbye, then waved to the rest of the group.

Carmen didn't usually feel nervous before a gig, but for some reason, her hands were sweating as she approached the turntables. She told herself it was just because Hit was a big club and had high expectations. In reality, she was feeling pressure to do something extraordinarily impressive. Somewhere between the stressful need to prove herself to her old friends and to show Olivia that Hit was a good place for them—that's where Carmen's anxiety began.

Fortunately, this anxiety quickly subsided once she had gotten her disc spinning: a smooth version of a Peaches' classic with some Just Dance overtones. It was a mix Carmen had perfected in Chicago and loved to start her sets with. Her and Olivia joked that it set a nice, gay standard.

Shane had ditched couple city, the title she had recently given her group of friends. Though she didn't mean it in a harsh way, it was true. Bette and Tina, Alice and Tasha, Kit and her man, and now Carmen and Olivia. That was assuming those last two stuck out their reintroduction and joined the group permanently. Shane was almost positive that they would. Everyone had loved Carmen; there was no reason that she shouldn't integrate quickly.

Assuming her standard bar-side location, Shane scanned the club. She watched Carmen spin at the head of the room and was able for a split second to enjoy the moment. Seeing Carmen again _was_ incredibly nice. And if Shane let herself focus on that simple pleasure, forgetting Olivia, forgetting Jenny, she realized that she did want to try to be friends with Carmen. On a whim, she turned to the bartender and ordered two beers.

Carmen saw Shane approaching with the drinks and knew immediately what was going on. She could have groaned. Really, this was how Shane wanted to do this? By cornering her at the DJ booth?

"I should warn you before you put that down, I really only accept drinks from my fiancé and drunk men," yelled Carmen, before Shane even prefaced her offer.

This time, however, Carmen's directness didn't catch Shane so off-guard.

"Hmm, well what about drunk ex-fiancés?"

Carmen almost forgot about her turntables. She had assumed that referencing their relationship was going to wait until a third or fourth conversation. Leave it to Shane to break from the norm.

"Fair enough. I'll accept your gift. But only if we strike that second qualification from the record."

"Having been engaged?"

Carmen took a big sip of beer. "Mhmm, yeah. Leaving me at the altar doesn't really earn you the right to buy me beer." Two can play at this game, she thought.

Shane winced. "If you don't want the beer…"

Carmen turned directly to face Shane for the first time since Shane's initial arrival. "What do you want?" Carmen didn't really want to be this mean, but she felt as though any alternative would be misconstrued by all involved parties. Better that Carmen remained spitefully aloof toward Shane than attract distasteful rumors and the façade of forgiveness that friendliness would probably have entailed.

"Well, just, how have you been?"

"Yeah, Shane, I wanna catch up too, but now really isn't the best time," answered Carmen turning back to the booth.

"No, yeah, I know. That's not why I came over."

"Oh really? Care to specify?"

"Yeah, look Carmen, I just… well, it's hard to explain. I don't even know if it really makes sense. But you know… well, at least I know…"

"Spit it out Shane."

Shane sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Seriously? Seriously?" Carmen couldn't believe it. "That's the first thing you choose to tell me. Are you serious Shane?"

Shane looked ready to pull back. This hadn't how she'd meant this to go. "No, I mean, not about that." Carmen looked ready to punch her. "Well, obviously I'm sorry about that, but that's not exactly what I was talking about. Look, Carmen, I'm sorry that we can't talk. That we haven't talked. That it's been three years and we've never even spoken. That I can't even approach you in a club without, well, you know… So I'm sorry. And I guess, well, do you think we could be friends?"

Shane hadn't really meant to say that last part. She simply wanted to show Carmen that she came in peace. After all, Carmen owed her next to nothing, and definitely not a friendship. Shane began to worry that she had already fucked this up beyond repair. Carmen was eyeing her with a difficult to read expression. It was taking her a long time to answer and Shane was ready to run back onto the dance floor and try to forget that this had ever happened.

Carmen was weighing her options. Shane looked so helpless, hands hanging by her sides, unable to decide whether to look down at her feet or directly at Carmen. She knew Shane was well-intentioned. But she didn't know how to take this step. What would friendship with Shane even look like?

"Look, I know you probably want to say no. And I totally understand. But if you are back in LA for good, and you are presumably rekindling all these friendships, I would love to be a part of that. So… just let me know when you decide. I won't bother you again."

Shane waited a few more seconds and then turned and started to walk away.

"Yes."

Shane turned back around. "What?"

"Yes."

"Yes…? Yes what?"

"We can be friends. You're right, it's been three years. We're both clearly in different places now. I don't see any reason why friendship would be off the table. I mean really, why should this be awkward at all?"

Carmen was rationalizing. She knew that if she told Shane that they couldn't be friends, it would imply that she hadn't gotten over what had happened. And she _had_ gotten over it. Shane recognized the calculative nature of the response, but decided to overlook it. She didn't need Carmen to be excited, she just needed Carmen to agree.

Shane wondered if this was a futile search for peace of mind. "No, it can't be," she thought to herself. "Olivia is my peace of mind. This is genuine. I really do want to get to know Carmen again, as a friend, as someone who's well-being I am interested in."

"Great," Shane smiled. "Carmen, that's… that's really great. Well, I'll stop bothering you. But maybe we can grab a coffee together some time?"

"Yeah, whatever. That sounds fine. We'll work something out when I'm done."

Shane walked away from the DJ booth and back to the bar. She had already drained her beer and felt that she could reward herself with another.

Meanwhile, back at the couches, Olivia was chatting with the group and Alice was trying her hardest not to stare at Carmen and Shane.

"So, how long have you two been together?" Olivia asked directing her question toward Bette and Tina. She already liked them immensely. She was used to an extensive network of gay acquaintances as opposed to a large group of gay friends. She enjoyed the change.

"Well, we were together for seven years," Tina answered. "Had a short hiatus, and got back together about two years ago."

"That's great that you worked out your problems."

Bette and Tina smiled at each other.

Turning to Tasha, Olivia asked, "And you and Alice have been together for?"

"About three years."

"Wow, that's so great. I hope me and Carmen will last as long as you guys."

"Oh you will. You guys are obviously so perfect for each other," Tina said.

"Well, I certainly think so," smiled Olivia.

"So what were you doing back in Chicago?" asked Bette.

"As Carmen said, I was working for a law firm. They really trusted me so I got to pick and chose a lot of my casework. Mostly I represented women who had been mistreated by rich men. Anything from sexual assault to child support. I kind of got typecast, and being gay didn't help. But I liked my work. I thought of myself as sort of an 'empowerer.'"

"But why in Chicago?" asked a distracted Alice.

"My family is from the Midwest. I don't know, I guess I just never left. Now that I'm here in LA, I see that should have fled for one of the coasts as soon as I was old enough. But there is a certain charm to the Windy City. Have you guys never even visited?"

"I've been to Chicago once or twice," explained Bette. "It's too gray."

"Not my Chicago. If you're there on a beautiful day, the view of the lake, the warm breeze through downtown, the amazing skyline—that's the Chicago you'll always remember. The grayness becomes a fleeting concern."

Olivia motioned to the waitress to refill her G&T and then let her walk away.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did anyone else need anything?"

The rest of the group motioned to their still full drinks.

"I think we're all fine, thanks," answered Tasha.

"Mm, the one thing I do miss about Chicago is my apartment. I had a condo right on the river. It was amazing. I mean, me and Carmen have a great little house now, but there was something about being in the heart of the city that couldn't be beat. Hey, you guys should all come over. We'll have a little dinner party or something. We're basically completely moved in. Are people free next Friday? I'm sure Carmen would love that."

The group nodded in agreement.

Just then Alice saw Shane walk away from the Carmen and back to the bar. "Yeah, that sounds great Olivia. Me and Tasha will be there. I'm gonna grab a beer." And she ran away before anyone could hand her one of the three unopened beers on their table.

"What the hell were you doing?" Alice asked Shane incredulously.

"Chill Al. I brought her a beer."

"You brought her a beer? First of all, Shane, you were over there for like 10 minutes, so I know you did more than bring her alcohol. Second of all, even if that's all you did, I'd still ask you what the hell you thought you were doing."

"I saw her start spinning, and I realized that it was really cool that she was back. I went and talked to her."

"And what did she say?"

"Hmm, not much. We're gonna be friends."

"You're gonna be friends?"

"Yeah, what's the big deal?"

"Fuck Shane, are you serious? How are you two going to be friends? What does that even mean? Are you really gonna fuck with her like this again?"

"Jesus Christ Al! Fuck with her? How? She's with Olivia. I'm not going to do anything. We're not going to do anything."

"Hah, yeah fucking right. Like you ever not do anything."

"Al, I'm your friend. We don't do anything."

"Yeah but…"

"Seriously, chill out. I'm gonna go dance." And with that, Shane left. She had located the cute blonde.

Carmen saw it all from the top of the room. Shane approached with an almost predatory look; the blonde woman never even had a chance. Before the song was over, the two were settled at the bar and Carmen knew Shane had a bedmate for the evening. It was almost reassuring to Carmen: of all the things that had changed in the last three years, at least Shane was still a womanizer.

Carmen finished up her set and found Olivia back at the couches.

"Hey babe, you were great," Olivia congratulated.

"Yeah, Carmen, seriously. You've gotten really good," chimed in Tina.

Carmen laughed. "Thanks guys. Hey, do you know if people are heading home soon?" She suddenly felt exhausted.

"We're going to have to relieve our sitter at around 12:30, so we're definitely done soon. And Tasha and Alice don't usually stay out much later because Tasha works early," Bette explained.

"When do you wanna head out Liv?"

"Whenever you're ready. Do you wanna go now?"

"Umm, I don't know. I'm just, hah, I'm just so tired all of a sudden. But I don't wanna make you leave if you're still having fun."

"Nah, babe, It's OK. Let's go." The two stood up. "It was so great hanging out with you guys tonight. And we'll let you know about dinner at our place."

"Bye ladies," added Carmen.

"See you two later," replied Tina.

And with that, Carmen and Olivia beat a hasty retreat. Carmen couldn't explain her reluctance to stay at Hit. She really was tired, but something told her there was more to the story. Either way, she was excited to get back home and have time with Olivia. Cuddling with her fiancé made it so easy for her to relax. When they got home, Carmen and Olivia quickly got ready for bed and curled up in their new king.

"Did you have fun tonight Liv?"

"Yeah, I really did. You're friends are… well, they're amazing. I really liked all of them. I hope they all liked me."

"Mhmm, they'll love you."

"You played well tonight."

"Really? I felt so distracted."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"There's nothing really to say. It was just…I don't know, being back in a place that was so familiar yet so different. Spinning for people that I used to know so well and now feel like I have to reconnect with. I had more on my mind than I usually do."

Olivia knew she shouldn't make Shane into a big deal. She wanted to ask about Carmen's conversation but didn't dare bring it up first. She trusted Carmen; that wasn't the issue. But under the assumption that Carmen's sprint through memory lane today hadn't been easy, Olivia wanted to let her know that she was there for her, uncomfortable baggage and all.

"That's totally understandable. But from talking to your friends, I've got a feeling that things will get a lot easier. They seem legitimately happy to see you back in town."

"I know. Absolutely. You're right."

The two turned to each other for a good night kiss. But Carmen suddenly felt the need for the familiarity of Olivia's body and Olivia was never hard to convince. The kiss quickly evolved and it was another 40 minutes before the two were fast asleep in each other's arms.

About an hour and a half later, Shane would leave the club with her catch of the day and engage in her own bedroom fun. To an outside observer, the contrast between the two couples would be so extreme that sex would begin to lose its singular definition. Shane could never bring the same intimacy to the table as Olivia and Carmen. One would even wonder if Shane enjoyed herself anymore, or if she just went through the motions for reasons unknown. But, that same outside observer might find it interesting to know that at the moment of orgasm, both Carmen and Shane flashed to thoughts of each other.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm not sure about this Tash," complained Alice, as the two got ready in their apartment.

"What? Going to dinner tonight? Or bringing store bought cupcakes as our dish?"

"What's wrong with store bought cupcakes?"

"Nothing Al, they look great," answered Tasha with a sarcastic smile.

"OK, look, I love Carmen and Olivia seems great, but don't you think this is too soon?"

"Too soon? Too soon for what? We're just going to a dinner party."

"But Shane is going to be there. And it's still so weird to see Carmen with Olivia."

"Do you think Carmen should be with Shane?"

"Hell no."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I just, well, I just would have liked to see Carmen and Olivia's relationship grow. I would have liked to be there from the beginning."

"That's just 'cause you're a gossip."

"Shut up!"

"What?" asked Tasha laughingly. "It's true."

"Whatever. But Tash, seriously, I feel like we have to take Carmen at her word about this whole marriage thing."

"And why is that bad?"

"How can I know? How can we know that she's over Shane? How can we know that her and Olivia are real? How can we know Carmen isn't about to walk down the aisle with the wrong person again?"

"Al, I'm glad you're worried about your friend. But she's a big girl."

"Yeah, but look what happened last time we trusted her decisions."

"Fair enough. But you'll never know if her and Olivia are good for each other unless you spend more time with them. So, on that note, we are going to be late and should probably leave now."

Tasha started to push Alice out the door. "Ugh, fine. You're right, you're right."

"I know babe." The two paused for a kiss at the door and then headed down to their car.

Over at Carmen and Olivia's house, dinner preparations were getting a little bit hectic.

"Honey, are you done setting the table?" Carmen called. "I think I'm ready for you to carve up the flank steaks. And we need to chop fruit for fruit salad."

"Table is set. Nine was our final number, right?"

Carmen counted in her head. "Yeah, that sounds right."

Wow, nine people. She was suddenly aware of how small the group had grown. She remembered a similar dinner party just three years ago, a welcome back dinner for Jenny and her new girlfriend Moira. How different everything was now. If she was recalling correctly, they would have numbered about 12 that night. She paused over the stovetop as an unfamiliar feeling swept over her. Nostalgia? Regret? Or extreme discomfort? The night in question had been extremely awkward. Hopefully things would go better this evening.

"Olivia, we also said we wanted to make a pitcher of margaritas. Do we still have time to do that?"

"Well, that depends. Can you coach me through a margarita lesson in… four and a half minutes? Because that's when our first guest is slotted to arrive."

Under other circumstances, Carmen might have been stressed out with cooking dinner and hosting. But Olivia never got stressed. Running late to court, staying up late working on briefs, preparing the house for guests—she stayed positive through it all. Carmen, who could get a little fired up, somehow found this calmness infectious. So what if they were still mixing margaritas when their friends arrived?

Turning off all the burners on the stovetop, Carmen turned to Olivia. "Everything here should be done. So, if you want to move all of the food into serving dishes, then make the fruit salad, I can take care of the margaritas."

"Sounds perfect babe," answered Olivia, giving Carmen a peck on the cheek as she headed away from the oven.

"Are we simply drinking for pleasure tonight? Or do we want a little buzz going?" asked Carmen as she measured alcohol into the blender.

"If you add more alcohol, then you don't have to make as big a batch of margaritas."

Carmen thought about it for a second. "True." And so she poured in ten more shots.

Unsurprisingly, Bette and Tina were the first to arrive. They brought a quiche and a nice bottle of wine. Carmen welcomed each of them with a kiss while Olivia finished cleaning up the kitchen.

"If you guys want to grab a seat. Appetizers are already out. Do you wanna drink this now?" Carmen asked, gesturing towards the wine. "Because we've got margaritas to go with dinner."

"Yeah, why don't we just open the bottle now." Bette was not in the mood to wait for her alcohol.

"Alright, great. I'll be right back with glasses."

Carmen headed back into the kitchen. "Hey Liv, you almost done in here?"

"Yeah babe, I just set everything out on the table."

"And you cut the steak?"

"Yes darling, the steak is cut. Like I said, everything is ready to go and out on the table."

Carmen smiled. This was why she dated women. "You're the best. Come into the living room. We're having appetizers and wine."

Carmen popped open the bottle, handed it to Olivia with four wine glasses, and grabbed six more for her later arrivals.

"It smells great in here you two," complimented Tina as Carmen and Olivia entered the room.

"Thanks T," replied Carmen.

"So are we going to get the master tour?" asked Bette.

"We were thinking we'd wait until everyone arrived, so that then we could do it all at once," Olivia explained.

Just then the doorbell rang, marking the entrance of Alice and Tasha.

"We come bearing gifts," said Alice, as she hugged a hello to Carmen.

"Store bought cupcakes, Al?" Carmen almost laughed.

"What?" exclaimed Alice indignantly.

"Nothing, nothing."

"I told you," whispered Tasha.

"Oh yeah, big surprise. We already established that you are always right," Alice whispered back.

Tasha placed a comforting hand on the small of Alice's back and led her into the living room.

A few minutes later, Shane got there with Kit, and Helena arrived soon after. Carmen welcomed Shane graciously, and the two managed to have their least awkward interaction to date at the door.

"I'm so glad you could make it," said Carmen.

"Yeah, no, it's my pleasure. Thanks so much for doing this."

"Oh please, any excuse to drink a lot and eat too much."

Shane laughed. She was pleased by the change in Carmen's manner.

"Your house is amazing."

"Thanks. We like it a lot. But, woah, come in. Sit down. Don't want to keep you standing at the door."

The party received another bottle of wine from Shane, a plate of pastries from the Planet from Kit, and an amazing looking green salad from Helena. The gang quickly assembled in the living room with the two open bottles of wine and the chips and salsa, cheese and crackers dishes Carmen and Olivia had put out.

"Do you wanna do the tour now babe?" Olivia asked.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, absolutely, the tour. Let's do it. Do you guys wanna see the house?"

"Absolutely," Helena responded, and everyone else seemed to be in agreement.

Olivia led them to the back of the house, through the kitchen, to the dining hall and TV room, while Carmen cleaned up in the living room. After clearing the glasses and the plates, Carmen took over and led everyone upstairs.

"This was the major selling point on the house," Carmen explained as she led them upstairs to the second floor, which was entirely devoted to the master bedroom.

"Oh wow, what a great space," gushed Bette.

"It that a balcony?" asked Alice, pointing over to the large windows that opened up onto a deck.

"Yeah. It's bay windows that open all the way up to let you walk outside. Which is really great, because it means you can still feel like you're sitting outside even when its not nice enough to actually be out there."

"That's so nifty," was Helena's reply.

Shane had wandered away from the rest of the group. "This is the master bath?" she asked, opening the door to the massive bathroom with a full Jacuzzi.

"Holy shit Carmen!" exclaimed Alice.

Carmen laughed. "Yeah, that's fairly self-explanatory."

It took the group about six more minutes of ogling before they got bored enough to head back downstairs.

"Is that the only bedroom?" Bette asked once people had regained the first floor.

"Yeah, that was our only problem with the house. There isn't really a guest room or anything. But I feel like, unless we really needed more space, this is the type of house you renovate, not move out of."

"Oh yes, I agree," responded Tina.

"Yeah, I don't see that being an immediate problem," reasoned Bette.

They were all talking around the same subject: babies. Carmen had no idea if she wanted kids. Instinctively, she felt as though it was natural. She had had a big family after all. But logistically, she couldn't really reconcile her lifestyle and her job with having a baby at home. And, to be honest, she wasn't very sure of Olivia's feelings on the subject.

Olivia knew that Carmen was hesitant about kids. She figured that a family was something they could get to when they had the time. Presumably she would want children, but she didn't feel in any particular rush. It went against her calm demeanor to feel rushed.

"But, you will want to think about how much space you will want. Is it worth renovating if two years later you find yourself in need of another bedroom?" Tina added.

At this point, Tasha, Alice, and Shane all found themselves purposefully removed from the conversation. Tasha and Alice had been avoiding their own baby talk for some time now, and didn't enjoy it when the topic was brought up in conversation. Shane simply found baby talk to be one more thing about "couple city" that isolated her. She didn't inherently mind, but she definitely didn't feel the need to join in. And talking about Carmen and Olivia's kids, well, she didn't think she was quite ready for that.

"Hey, do you guys wanna eat?" asked Carmen.

"Ugh, yeah, I'm starving," answered Alice, jumping at the change in the conversation.

The women settled around the dinner table, taking turns complimenting Carmen and Olivia on the food. The group dove in and dinner, especially the margaritas, were soon well under way.

"Alright, alright. Beyonce or Lady Gaga?" Alice asked, continuing the game of either/or that had begun when Helena asked if people liked coffee or tea better.

"Easy, Beyonce," claimed Bette.

"Oh, I don't know. Lady Gaga is so… intriguing," countered Tina.

"Neither," answered Shane.

"Hah, yeah right. You mean both Shaney," yelled Alice.

"No, really. I think me and Lady Gaga would have a horrible time together. And Beyonce is too boring… and too straight."

"But lets be honest, you'd still fuck both of 'em. Even if you didn't enjoy it," Alice replied.

"Whatever. Who would you pick Al?"

"Both. Easy. I'll just go onto the set of Telephone and have a threesome."

"I'm going to go with Gaga," answered Carmen. "Just because she's the more talented musician and it'd be fun to talk jams with her."

"OK, but its not who you'd rather take out to lunch," teased Tina.

"Still Gaga," laughed Carmen.

"Well, even though I don't envy the person who has to face Jay-Z, I'm going to go with Beyonce. Gaga's too… I don't know… too Gaga? Whatever, it would be more about the act of sex than the sex itself. I feel like she wouldn't even know I was there," was Olivia's answer.

"Ooh, you're over thinking it babe," said Bette.

"How bout that Tyrese Gibson? Beyonces music video boyfriend. Mmm, girl," came Kit's straight variation.

"Can I pick an alternate? Like Taylor Swift? I find both Gaga and Beyonce exploitative," Helena explained.

"Eww, you _would_ pick Tay-Swift. What about you Tash?," asked Alice.

"Guess Al."

"Oh, you don't need to answer for my sake. I already know. Beyonce. Why else did you make me buy that tiny, yellow, tube top dress?"

"Oohhh," came the squeals and exclamations from around the table. Tasha laughed embarrassedly and mumbled something about anyone being able to own a yellow dress.

"OK, I've got one," Shane said. "Top or bottom?"

Everyone giggled.

"It depends on the girl. I'm a bottom now," replied Alice.

Tasha blushed. "Yep, I'm a top."

"Top," said Bette.

"Yeah, like that came as a surprise," Carmen snorted. "So Tina, you're a bottom?"

"Mmm, yeah, I guess."

"I think I'm an in-between," answered Helena.

"Helena, you always try to avoid the hypothetical," chastised Tina.

"I'm a bottom. Though I think that means something different for me," reasoned Kit.

"I'm a bottom too," agreed Olivia.

"Really?" asked Shane. "But Carmen's a…" She had started the sentence without even thinking about it. She immediately wished she hadn't opened her mouth. Or better, yet, not asked the question to begin with. Too many damn margaritas, she thought.

The table stayed pretty uncomfortable for about 10 seconds. Everyone had caught Shane's slip. Carmen had busied herself cutting her steak into smaller and smaller bites. Finally, Bette broke the tension with a quick-thinking "hot-tub or swimming pool" query. But even as Alice shouted out hot tub, Shane, Carmen, and Olivia were stuck reflecting on what had just happened.

Shane was simply embarrassed. She rarely discussed the more private aspects of her sexual escapades. Other than who she took home on a given night, her friends knew little of what actually happened. None of them would have been surprised to learn she was a top, but she hated the feeling that everyone around was now visualizing her having sex. Worse, having sex with Carmen.

Carmen was bordering on anger. She knew it was an honest mistake, she knew Shane hadn't meant anything by it, and she knew that she was overreacting. But she did not need people to be reminded constantly of the fact that she and Shane used to date. And she was worried about Olivia. She didn't want Shane raising questions about their relationship. This move had to be hard enough for Liv without all the drama that Carmen's return to LA had created.

Olivia was still processing. She was more interested than bothered by the comment, though she knew Carmen would assume that she was upset. She brushed her foot against Carmen's under the table. She hoped she could transmit her thoughts through the contact. Carmen turned and looked at her and the two held eye contact. Olivia smiled and nodded, as if to say, I know that our sex is great and that we are happy together. Carmen put a hand over her heart. It was a subtle gesture, easily misconstrued as a shrug, but the two of them knew what it meant.

After that, tabletop conversation continued without a hitch. The gang finished up dinner with more either/or hilarity, another impromptu round of margaritas, and just general good cheer. Dessert was a half-hearted affair, seeing as all they had was cupcakes and Planet pastries, but they continued to enjoy themselves.

"Hey Carmen, next week The Planet is having a show with Brazilian Girls and Lykke Li. Will you spin before, in between, and after their sets for me?" asked Kit.

"Obviously Kit. I would love to. Wow, that will be a really great show. Where's your house DJ gonna be?"

"He's spinning at a VIP movie premiere party for _Who Do You Love_."

"Very cool."

"Fuck, why can't Sabina Sciubba be gay? I'd even settle for Lykke Lie being gay at this point. How can they write gay music, perform in gay clubs, and not be gay?" complained Alice.

"Calm down Al," teased Shane.

"Yeah, you're only calm because you could probably get either one to sleep with you anyway."

"Alice," warned Tasha.

"What? Oh, come on Tash, like I would actually fuck either one even if I could."

Tasha laughed. "Whatever you say babe."

"I think its cool that these straight musicians are branching out. It speaks volumes about where this country is headed when its cool for young stars to break out on the gay scene," said Tina.

"Well, maybe, but both those ladies are European. And it's hardly cool. Those bands will be lucky to get a top 100 single," reasoned Bette.

"Still, I think it's more prominent."

"I know Kit and I have had no problem booking shows. I think it is becoming more acceptable to play at gay clubs," chimed in Helena.

"Well, Hit and The Planet are two of the biggest clubs in LA now. They've transcended the gay scene," explained Bette.

"Whatever, as long as we keep getting hot people to come and play and Kit keeps letting us in for free," shouted Alice, keeping the conversation frivolous.

"Hey Kit, did you hear anything back about getting N.A.S.A. to play?" asked Shane.

"They wanna come. I think we'll get them eventually. It's just unclear when they'll make it back from Europe."

"I wouldn't have pegged you for an N.A.S.A. fan, Shane," said Carmen.

"I don't know, I've kind of been keeping up with the DJ scene for the past few years. It's more interesting than a lot of other music."

Shane didn't want to date her interest exactly, but she was sure Carmen could have extrapolated the reason for Shane's attention to DJs. Shane was too unsure of her standing with Carmen to discuss this further. If she had been more confident, she would have liked to thank Carmen for all the old records and CDs Carmen had left at Shane's house. At first it had pained Shane that Carmen wouldn't come back and claim her things. Eventually though, as she began to put the failed relationship behind her, the CDs had introduced her to a whole other dimension of Carmen's life, the depth and significance of which Shane had never truly comprehended. Finding new mixes and following the music scene started as a way for Shane to understand and feel close to her ex-fiancé, became a hypothetical commonality and conversation starter if Carmen ever returned to LA, and ultimately evolved into a real hobby. Shane would have liked to say all of this, but Carmen had already turned back to Olivia and the two were discussing dinner plans with Carmen's family.

Shane turned to Helena, who was on her other side, and joined in her conversation with Alice about the half-marathon they were all hoping to do together at the end of the spring.

The evening came to a close and Bette and Tina began the navigation to the door. Shane was torn between wanting to follow immediately behind and wanting to hang back in the hope that her and Carmen might be able to have a real conversation if the rest of the group wasn't there. Kit ended up making the decision for her, staying back to talk contractual logistics with Carmen. Unfortunately, this wasn't the exact scenario Shane had been looking for because as soon as Helena, Tasha, and Alice left, Olivia was the only remaining person to talk to.

After a few uncomfortable moments in which the two acknowledged the fact that they should converse but neither one had found a way to start the conversation, Shane broke the silence.

"So, have you already met Carmen's family? Or is your dinner with them tomorrow a first?"

"Oh, well, I already know Carmen's sister because that's who Carmen was living with in Chicago. And Carmen's mom came out to Chicago with Carmen's brother and cousin a few times. But her grandmother and various aunts, uncles, and cousins, yeah, I guess this will be a first."

"Cool." Under normal circumstances, Shane might have told the story of the first time she had met Carmen's mother. As it was, that didn't seem very appropriate.

"And you're liking LA?" Shane asked.

"Yeah, I really do like it. There are things I miss, but overall I think this is a better fit for us."

"Cool." Shane couldn't think of anything else to say.

The two were about to relapse into silence. "You're a hairdresser?" asked Olivia in a last-ditch attempt.

"Yeah, I am."

"In a salon?"

"Umm, no. Mostly I get called into movie and production sets to do hair. I had a salon but it closed about a year ago."

"Really? Why?"

"It actually burned down."

"Seriously? Wow, I'm so sorry."

"It's really not a big deal." Shane decided this probably wasn't the best time to admit that she had burned Wax down herself.

"No one was hurt right?"

"Oh, no, no. Yeah, everyone was fine."

"Why didn't you reopen it?"

"Umm, I don't know. I… don't like being tied down?" Shane knew that this was the wrong response. It was obvious how Olivia was going to take it. But it was true, Wax was too limiting. And it reminded her of Shay.

"Oh, OK, I see," came Olivia's reply.

The two were clearly done talking. Luckily, Kit and Carmen had basically finished up.

"Alright baby girl. I'll see you later. Come in whenever for an equipment check. I like to personalize the booth for my DJs."

"Sure Kit. Thank you so much. See ya. Bye Shane."

Shane nodded. "Later Carmen, Olivia. Thanks for having us over."

"Bye you two," added Olivia.

Kit and Shane headed out the door. Shane was kicking herself for even bothering to talk to Olivia. Olivia, on the other hand, was less judgmental than Shane assumed. She was just curious how someone like Shane even existed in the real world. Olivia marveled at Shane's total sacrifice of security in the name of independence and self-reliance. Olivia thought she understood it, but she couldn't sympathize with it. She loved waking up next to the same person, going into the same office to work everyday. Olivia understood that this distinction was the factor that meant Carmen was with her, and not with Shane.

As far as Olivia could tell, she and Shane actually had a lot in common. Both were calmer and more low-key; a nice balance to Carmen's louder, more passionate side. They were both supportive. They both maintained an air of secrecy, though Shane clearly worked harder at hers than Olivia did. They were both hot and could be slightly predatory and equally protective. They would both do anything for Carmen. Nevertheless, where Shane was scared of commitment, Olivia was looking for a love as strong and beautiful as her parents'. Where Shane had a lot of sex with different people, Olivia liked to have a lot of sex with the same person. This was why Carmen valued the safety and comfort that Olivia represented, and why sometimes she'd rather lay in bed on Saturday night than hit the clubs; the excitement of life with Shane only held a limited appeal. Olivia was suddenly looking forward to bed. She was so ready to have Carmen, she wished they could forget about the dishes and clean up in the morning.

As it turned out, the two didn't make it to up to bed before Olivia gave in and fucked Carmen on the dining room table. Olivia almost wanted to top Carmen, she was so aroused and excited. But she knew Carmen would take that the wrong way and assume Olivia had been affected by what had happened at dinner. Instead she contented herself with plunging deeper into Carmen than she ever had before. Carmen collapsed on top of Olivia, breathing heavily into her ear. Olivia rolled Carmen off and the two lay side-by-side facing each other, kissing occasionally, and trying to regroup. Finally, they got up, Olivia put the rest of the dishes in the dishwasher while Carmen wiped down the table, and then the two headed upstairs together.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, I think unofficially, we'll mostly just be seeking legal counsel from you. But considering you are only looking for a part-time job, I don't really feel comfortable putting you on staff as our lawyer," explained Helena.

"Yeah, that makes sense," answered Olivia. She had taken the BAR and passed, of course, but in the economic downturn, was having a harder time finding a job than she would have liked. She pretty much hated being unemployed, so despite being only a week and a half into her job search, had decided to take Carmen's advice and get a job at The Planet. "What will that entail in terms of the day-to-day?"

"Well, I guess you'll just hang around the café for a given amount of time each day," laughed Helena. "I mean, I don't really foresee making you take coffee orders. But maybe manning the office, the odd filing job here and there, booking shows, working out contracts, keeping track of finances. Things of that nature."

"Alright, yeah, that sounds great. And I mean, also, if you need a waitress, I can do that too. It's been a while since I waited tables," Olivia smiled. "But I wouldn't mind doing that."

"Well, you know, we'll see. But generally we have enough employees to fill all of our shifts twice."

"Seriously? Wow, that's a lot of wait staff."

"Well, The Planet is kind of the first place a lot of lesbians come to when they move into WeHo and are looking for work. Just because we're pretty well known and kind of the only establishment they've heard of. And Kit is too nice to turn any of them away. Especially the aspiring musicians. So yeah, we're a little overbooked."

The two shared a short laugh before Olivia, glancing at her watch, realized she needed to run home to accept a delivery. She and Carmen had ordered new patio furniture for their balcony.

"Thank you so much, Helena. Seriously."

"Oh, its not a problem at all. I love helping a friend. God knows how many times these women have bailed me out… What?" Helena had noticed a change in Olivia's regard.

"What? Oh, nothing. Just… the way you said that… I don't know, sometimes you really remind me of one of my ex-girlfriends. It's actually uncanny. I had the hardest time getting over her…" Olivia drifted off.

Helena didn't really know how to respond. The two stood awkwardly apart. Olivia wanted to think of a save, but her mind was too busy processing memories of Hannah, her ex that had turned down a marriage proposal and left Olivia broken-hearted.

"OK, well, I'll see you round," said Olivia, quickly turning towards the door.

"Yeah, yes, OK. And you'll report for training on Monday and get to work on Tuesday?"

"Absolutely. See you then."

With that, Olivia headed out the door.

Meanwhile, out in the early morning sun, Alice and Shane were enjoying a jog. Well, perhaps not enjoying. Despite being on week 6 of their 10 week training schedule, Alice still struggled to run more than 5 miles and Shane just wasn't feeling it this morning. Too much beer the night before.

"So… seriously, Shane… I'm your friend… you've gotta tell me… how are you doing with this whole Carmen thing?" panted Alice.

"Alice, we really could talk about anything in the world."

"Fuck you, this is what I want to talk about."

"Ugh, well, what do you think? I'm sure you've got a theory."

"I think… you're still in shock. And you don't realize what Carmen meant to you, or what it means that she's back."

"I do know what Carmen meant to me."

"Really?... Are you sure?"

"Al, we almost got married. That's the first and only… yes, I'm sure."

"But you… you didn't really almost get married. You only got that close to the altar because you were sad about Dana," accused Alice.

"Whatever," replied Shane.

"Am I wrong?"

"It was more complicated than that."

"OK, well regardless, you haven't come to terms with the fact Carmen is back for good. Or that she's going to be married to someone else soon."

"How can you possibly know that?"

"Because I know you Shane. You wouldn't have managed a conversation with Carmen, let alone a dinner party at her house if you weren't in denial. You're an avoider, which means that if you were aware, you would be making up excuses, sleeping with a lot of people, and looking for every way possible to never speak to Carmen ever."

"Wow, sounds like you've got me all figured out Al."

"Yeah, I think I do."

"Well fuck you."

"Fuck you Shane. Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong. Is it weird for me that Carmen's back? Yes. But I'm over her. I want her to be happy with someone else, and if she wants, I wanna be friends."

Alice glanced at Shane in disbelief. "Bullshit."

"Seriously?"

"What Shane, is it so ridiculous that I don't believe you? Look at your track record! I mean, what, it was only three months ago that you cheated on Jenny…"

"Don't." Shane didn't talk about Jenny. Alice knew that. She should have been aware that she was crossing the line.

"Shit, I'm sorry Shane. I didn't mean it like that."

"Fuck off Al. Look I'm fine. If I ever have a problem, you'll be the first one I tell." Shane sprinted ahead of Alice, her hangover a reduced concern compared with further interrogation from Alice. Alice slowed to a walk. She was fucking tired, and didn't really like watching Shane run off into the distance. She turned around and started jogging back to her apartment. A shower with Tasha sounded better than a 7 mile run anyway.

The group had plans to meet across town that evening for the ballet. Helena had scored them a balcony over the stage. Though Alice had thought there should have been a group summit on whether or not to invite Carmen and Olivia, Tina had taken the liberty of making the decision for them when she saw Carmen heading into The Planet for a sound check a few days before.

Alice didn't know why she was hesitant to fully include Carmen and Olivia from the get-go. An easy explanation would have been Shane; she was concerned for her friend and wanted to make sure the other women were sensitive to what Shane might be going through. But Shane had said she was fine, and Alice mostly believed her, enough to feel like a night at the ballet would be tolerable. Alice wondered if Olivia was the problem. Was there something slightly off about her? Why hadn't Alice taken to her immediately?

"Maybe it's the way Carmen uses Olivia," Alice speculated. The reason she was so distrustful was the feeling that Carmen wouldn't be back in LA, hanging out with them, or even looking at Shane if she didn't have Olivia panting at her side like a loyal puppy. Alice didn't like that Carmen needed a shield. In the first place, she still wasn't thrilled that Carmen had left so suddenly and without warning those three years ago. And now that Carmen was back, well, it still didn't seem to Alice that she had come all the way back. It felt more like she was trying to prove to all of them that she had ended up all right.

Alice knew she shouldn't make these assumptions. What was closer to the truth was that Carmen had always wanted to rejoin this group of friends, had never wanted to leave in the first place, but had needed Olivia for the little extra strength required, more as a crutch than a shield. It was easier for Carmen to imagine a new life in LA with Olivia in the picture. Without Olivia there had been too many unknowns. Where would she live, who would she date, etc. Olivia, of course, answered all of those questions.

Alice finally arrived home and found Tasha watching TV on the couch. She flopped down next to her.

"How was your run?" Tasha asked.

"How do you think? I'm home 40 minutes early."

"Well, you know, it could have been worse. You could have not gone," offered Tasha.

"Oh, thanks Tash. That makes me feel better."

"Come on Al."

"I know, you're right. It's just, also, me and Shane got in a fight. But whatever, I'm home, and I just really wanna take a shower."

Alice knew Tasha wasn't Shane's biggest fan. She didn't foresee Tasha's input being very helpful on this particular issue. And rightfully so; Tasha personally felt that any discomfort on Shane's part concerning this whole Carmen thing was probably well deserved. She hadn't known Carmen and Shane while they were together, but Tasha could just imagine the train wreck. Obviously Tasha still supported Alice's friendship with Shane; but her and Alice had reached an unspoken agreement. They didn't talk about Shane very much.

Alice stood up and headed down the hallway to the bathroom. "Care to join me?" She extended the invitation.

"Sure babe. I'll be right in. Just make sure you're already naked and wet when I get there."

Alice laughed. "Yes ma'am."

Tasha followed her girlfriend into the bathroom and closed the door behind them.


	5. Chapter 5

At around 7:45, the girls met outside the LA Ballet Theater for their 8pm show. Once assembled, they headed inside and were directed to their private box.

"Do you guys wanna hit up The Planet after this?" inquired Alice after everyone had settled. "I think I'm gonna need something a little wilder after two and a half hours of… movement." She wasn't what one would call a lover of modern dance.

"I think we're probably gonna need to go home. Angelica wasn't feeling too good when we left. We wanna get back and check on her," answered Tina.

Olivia and Carmen performed their own quick consultation. Two quick head nods later, and Carmen replied. "Yeah, we'll grab drinks."

"I'm supposed to meet up with Sunset," Kit explained. "But I'll head over with you guys. And Helena, you probably… won't go?"

"Yeah, I've got an early call in the morning."

"But tomorrow's Saturday," accused an indignant Alice.

"Well yeah, I know Alice. I'm supposed to be at The Planet when the Saturday morning delivery arrives because apparently no one else understands the difference between Pinot Grigio and Pinot Blanc"

"Right. Because no one orders wine at The Planet," countered Shane.

"Umm, I do," came the response from almost everyone in the group.

"Whatever." Shane shrugged, busying herself with her phone. She wasn't really in the mood for the group dynamic tonight.

"You're coming, right Shaney?" Alice asked.

Shane smirked and nodded.

"Of course. That was a stupid question."

At that point, the house lights began to dim and the ballet was ready to begin.

"Let's take bets on which dancer falls first," whispered Alice.

"Alice," chastised Tasha, who was probably as unenthusiastic about this ballet as her companion but didn't want to offend Helena.

"It's gonna be that skinny girl on the end," answered Carmen.

"They're all skinny," replied Olivia.

"She means the one who's legs look like they'd collapse under a three-pound weight," Shane explained.

Carmen chanced a glance at Shane. She had thought almost the exact same thing. She shook her head and smiled. It had been easy to convince herself that she and Shane had nothing in common and that their relationship had been a disaster, but maybe it was time for her to stop denying that despite everything, the two of them did seem to operate on a similar wavelength. "Maybe being friends wouldn't be so bad," Carmen reasoned to herself. "After all, she usually is a really good friend." Carmen thought back to Shane's incredible love for Dana, her closeness with Alice, her support of Bette. Carmen resolved to stop being so defensive when it came to Shane.

The group, with the obvious exception of Bette and Tina who were art lovers to their core, soon lost interest in the ballet. Alice and Tasha were talking quietly and giggling with each other, despite Tasha's valiant efforts to get Alice to shut up and be respectful. Carmen and Olivia were cuddled as close together as the stadium-style seating would allow, tracing patterns on each other's palms. Helena was busy on her iPhone, ever the distracted businesswoman. Kit was texting, while trying to text, Sunset Boulevard. And Shane was slumped in her seat; no one could really tell if she was awake or not. She was, in fact, awake and was pondering what sex with a ballerina would be like.

The two and a half hours passed quickly for some, slower for others, but the ballet did eventually come to an end.

"Wow, what a great show," Alice exclaimed on the way out.

Tasha snorted and Bette flashed the two of them a blazing look.

"Mhmm, a life-changing performance," Shane carried on the joke, dryly.

Carmen laughed at Shane's comment and Shane looked over at her in surprise. She never thought she'd get to be responsible for making Carmen laugh ever again. She wished it hadn't made her as happy as it did.

"Seriously though, thanks for the tickets, Helena," said Olivia.

Helena smiled at Olivia. "It's my pleasure," she replied. Helena's grace was a little deceiving. Truthfully, she still wasn't sure how to interpret their conversation at The Planet and hadn't decided how she wanted to interact with this woman.

Those who were going to The Planet made their way to the club and those who were heading home said their goodbyes.

"Have fun ladies," Tina called after the group.

"Ungrateful, ignorant pack of…" Bette muttered under her breath. She couldn't believe how badly her friends had behaved in the theater.

Tina cut her off. "Bette calm down. It's OK that they don't like the ballet as much as you."

"Yeah, but do they have to be so goddamn disrespectful?"

Tina smiled. These outbursts always illustrated both her favorite and least favorite parts of her partner. "Let's just get home. They can go have their fun at The Planet."

Bette shook her head, but took Tina's hand, mustered up a smile, and started the walk to their car.

Kit, Shane, Alice, Tasha, Olivia, and Carmen arrived at a disappointingly dead night at The Planet. Nevertheless, they grabbed drinks and a table and attempted to enjoy themselves.

"_Iron Man 2_ is the only thing in theaters right now worth seeing," declared Tasha. They were discussing movies they had recently seen.

"Ugh," groaned Alice, as though this wasn't the first time she had discussed the movie with Tasha. The group laughed at the two's interaction.

"I'm not gonna lie, I kind of really wanna see _Shrek Forever After_," Carmen said.

Olivia chuckled.

"What?" asked Carmen defensively.

"You're just so… unpretentious," Olivia replied with a grin.

Carmen beamed and scooted her chair closer to Olivia so that the two could entwine a little more. Shane swigged her beer and tried not to look puzzled. "Was that supposed to be a complement?" she thought to herself.

"Sunset made me go to _Get Him to the Greek_," answered Kit. "I thought I would hate it but, damn, that movie was so funny."

"That movie looked sooo stupid," complained Alice. "Anyway, _Sex and the City 2 _is where it's at!"

"Don't be so predictable, Al," Shane accused. She was losing interest. And patience. Though she had already been scanning the room, looking for a suitable bed buddy, she continued her search with greater urgency. Kit was going to leave soon and she was not about to be the fifth wheel. "Time to stop being picky," she decided. She stood up and ran her hand through her hair, searching for that messy perfection she achieved with such ease. She addressed her friends. "Hey guys, I'm gonna hit the bar. See you later?"

Everyone knew they weren't actually going to see Shane later but it was nice to pretend otherwise.

"Yeah, come back soon Shaney," Alice called.

Carmen and Olivia had turned to each other and after a few nudges from Carmen and a pleading look or two, they turned back to Alice and Tasha. "We're gonna go dance," said Carmen triumphantly. This was clearly a battle she often won but still relished.

Alice looked at Tasha and raised one eyebrow. Tasha laughed and nodded. "Yeah, we're coming too," grinned Alice.

"You ladies have a nice night," called Kit, as she too got up, ready to finally rendezvous with her man. With that they had vacated their table.

At the bar, Shane had begun to despair. Tonight it seemed that The Planet had only managed to attract the regulars, which meant Shane had slept with almost everyone in the building. Given that she wasn't ready for the drama of a repeat performance, her options were limited. "A threesome with Alice and Tasha?" she joked to herself.

She was about to give up and try her luck at Hit when a group of young, college-aged girls walked in the door. They might have been looking for something new, or they might have been making a last ditch attempt to salvage the evening. Either way, one of them was going home with Shane. Or she was going home with one of them. She wasn't too particular.

Shane waited until they had found the bar, settled down with drinks, and started to look more comfortable. She then walked over and leaned against the bar next to a sporty-looking girl on the edge of the group.

"The Planet's mixed drinks are horrible," Shane told the girl, gesturing to her pomegranate margarita. "Not enough alcohol."

The girl giggled, turned to her friends and gave them a little shrug, then turned back to Shane.

"Oh really? Then what would you suggest?

"Hmm, how 'bout a shot of Stoli and a beer?"

The girl laughed again. She was already very aware of the effect Shane was having on her. "Alright, but you'll have to finish this." She pushed the drink toward Shane and motioned to get the attention of the bartender.

Shane watched with amusement for a few seconds. "Allow me," she said smoothly and waved down an employee. "Can we trade in this smoothie for some real alcohol?" She pointed at the bottle of Stoli behind the bartender.

The bartender took back the margarita and placed two shot glasses on the table. "Two beers also," Shane added and turned back to the girl.

The girl made awkward eye contact, then looked back at the shots on the table. "Uhh, thanks…" she paused, realizing she didn't know a name yet.

Shane flashed her a winning smile and grabbed one of the shot glasses. "Shane," she explained, and held up her glass for cheers.

The girl quickly picked up her shot glass as well. "Thanks Shane." The two clinked glasses and threw back their shots.

Out on the dance floor, no matter how much Carmen enjoyed herself, she couldn't seem to ignore Shane's concerted and clearly successful efforts to pick up a girl at the bar. She _wanted _to devote her full attention to Olivia and it wasn't as though the scene playing out in front of her was particularly unpredictable, but for whatever reason, she couldn't look away.

Determinedly, Carmen spun herself around and tried to position her back to the bar. However, it wasn't long before a jostle from the couple next to them and a spin from Olivia put Shane and the girl back in Carmen's field of vision. The girl had already lost all interest in her group of friends and it looked like Shane had them on their third shot.

Carmen observed all of this with a peculiar detachment and was surprised by her nonchalance. She was about to congratulate herself when she realized her hypocrisy. "So what if you don't care!" thought Carmen angrily. "You're still watching Shane as though she's some sort of entertainment and you're a fucking fan." But even Carmen's chastisement wasn't enough to pull her eyes away. She watched Shane and the girl until a brush on the leg, a display of car keys, and a gesture to the door resulted in the two's departure from the club.


	6. Chapter 6

Shane was sitting on her couch, drinking a beer, cursing the California heat, and wishing she had a TV that worked. It'd been a lazy day and she had been fluctuating between restlessness and listlessness. She wasn't currently doing hair on any production sets and it seemed as though all of her friends were busy. Alice was at a special work get-together for Tasha, Kit and Helena had closed their clubs for an in-service day, Bette and Tina had day jobs, and Olivia had finally gotten that big lawyer position she wanted and was almost always unavailable now, not that Shane really considered her a friend or viable hang-out candidate. And Carmen, well, Shane chose not to think about where Carmen might be or what she might be doing.

Even though it'd already been three months since Carmen moved back to LA, the two of them hadn't found a way to make things comfortable. Sure, they were "friends" and they hung out when the whole gang was together. Carmen was civil and Shane tried not to do or say anything that might piss Carmen off, but Shane had a feeling that calling Carmen and inviting her over to the house would cross a few lines in their unspoken agreement.

Shane was about to get up and grab another beer when her phone rang. She glanced warily at the front screen, doubtful that anyone she wanted to talk to might be calling her. The name that popped up required at least a triple-take. Was she hallucinating? Could Carmen possibly be calling her?

Shane stared stupidly at the phone in her hand until the fifth ring shook her out of her daze and she answered.

"Uh, ehhem," she cleared her throat. "Hello?"

"Hey, Shane? Shit, I don't, hold on, fuck…"

Yep, it was definitely Carmen on the line.

"Yo, Carmen, what's up?" Shane inquired. It didn't sound as if everything was smooth sailing on the other end of the phone.

There was a pause. "Shane, I don't, I know I shouldn't be asking you this. But Olivia's in court all day and so she's not answering her phone and I didn't know who else I could call, and it's just… shit…" Carmen was clearly upset. She sounded close to tears.

Shane got serious. "Carmen, it's OK. What's going on? Just tell me what's wrong."

"It's my mom." Carmen was definitely crying at this point. "She fainted and hit her head. She's in the hospital. I can't…"

Shane cut her off. "I'll be right there. Where are you?"

"Cedars-Sinai."

"Give me two minutes."

Shane hung up the phone and sprang into action. She threw on a clean T-shirt, brushed her teeth, and grabbed her car keys before heading out the door and speeding over to the hospital.

The average person in Shane's situation would probably have spent the drive with a thousand and one questions and concerns running through their head. Is Carmen OK? How am I going to talk to her? How long will we be alone together? What am I going to say to comfort her? Why did she call me? Where do we stand? What does this mean?

Shane, of course, was far from average. A combination of confidence, lack of foresight, and loyalty allowed her to arrive at the hospital calm, collected, and 100% there for Carmen. Well, 97.3% there for Carmen. It wasn't as though Shane was completely without personal motives.

Shane walked into the Emergency Room waiting room and glanced around. She spotted a disheveled Carmen sitting in a corner of the waiting room with her head in her hands and made her way over. Carmen hopped up as soon as she noticed Shane.

"Oh my god Shane, thank you so much for coming!"

Shane realized she should have considered possible forms of greeting before this moment, but she didn't have long to mull over appropriate possibilities before Carmen had thrown her arms around Shane's shoulders and buried her head just under Shane's collarbone. Shane tensed up, unsure of how to respond. She was pretty sure this was the first time she and Carmen had touched in over three years. She threw one arm around Carmen's back and left her other dangling awkwardly at her side. Carmen must have immediately felt Shane's uneasiness because she quickly disengaged and took a step back. Shane fought the urge to reach out and wipe away a tear that had rolled down Carmen's cheek.

"How's your mom?" Shane asked quickly, hoping to prevent an embarrassed silence.

Carmen shrugged helplessly. "The doctor says she's fine. She's resting now."

"What happened?" Shane inquired, nodding at two open seats and seating herself while Carmen settled down next to her.

"They don't really know. They think it was just a combination of heat and dehydration. She fainted and must have hit her head on the kitchen counter when she fell. Shane, it was the scariest thing. I walked into the kitchen and she was just lying there in, like, a pool of blood. I seriously thought she was dead. I've never…" Carmen broke off. She was seriously shaken up.

Shane nodded, unsure of how to respond. "But she's doing OK now, right?

"Yeah. They gave her a few stitches and she's on fluids. It sounds like she'll be able to come home tonight, as long as she takes it easy for the next few days."

"And how are you doing?"

Carmen took a deep breath. "I dunno. I'm tired. I know she's gonna be fine, but I just… I can't get the picture of her lying on the floor out of my head."

Shane lifted her arm to give Carmen a reassuring pat, but changed her mind at the last second, choosing to lean forward and smooth out her jeans instead.

Carmen suddenly felt bad about making Shane come. She had been in such a panic when she arrived at the hospital. She knew Olivia wouldn't be able to leave court and as much as she loved her other friends, it just didn't feel appropriate calling them in on such a personal family matter. She had scrolled through her phone and called Shane without analyzing the consequences.

"Shane, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have… it was just, when Olivia wasn't available, and you're the only one who knows my mom."

"Carmen," Shane shook her head and looked Carmen in the eye. Shane hoped she didn't have to say it, wondering briefly if she could still rely on their old silent connection to transmit the message: Awkwardness aside, Shane was willing, even happy, to be here for Carmen. This was about helping a friend, something Shane managed to excel at, despite everything. She hoped Carmen could find a way to enjoy her presence.

Carmen was startled by the piercing look Shane gave her. She found herself instinctually trying to decipher the gaze and couldn't decide if she felt consoled or uneasy. Suddenly, Shane had a rare moment of self-consciousness and broke eye contact. The depths of Carmen's eyes felt so off limits to her and she was ashamed to have looked. She changed the subject.

"Wait, so where's the rest of your family?" Shane asked.

Carmen teared up again. "They're up in the bay for a graduation. One of my cousins just finished up at Berkeley. We were all supposed to go but then me and mom decided to stay back together and go dress shopping. We just should have gone…"

"Don't," Shane cut in. "You couldn't have stopped this. Things just… happen." Shane winced; it felt like a stupid and unhelpful comment. She wished momentarily for Alice's wordiness and then quickly took it back.

Carmen decided to relax. She had asked Shane to come to the hospital because she wanted a source of comfort, not another source of stress. She needed to assume that if Shane hadn't wanted to come, she wouldn't have. In fact, Carmen knew from personal experience that even social expectations and strong mitigating factors couldn't keep Shane anywhere she didn't want to be. Carmen allowed her thoughts to rest upon an image of an empty altar. She didn't think about it much anymore, that walk down the aisle with no one to walk to. When she did allow herself the memory, she absolutely forbade any pain or anger to accompany it. Carmen observed Shane thoughtfully. She was back in Carmen's life, trying in her distinctly Shane way to forge a friendship. "Perhaps," Carmen wondered. "It's time to replace that memory, not censor it."

Carmen leaned back in her chair and rested her head against the wall. Shane leaned back with her.

"Carmen, I'm sorry you had to go through this."

"Yeah." Carmen took another deep breath and leaned her head against Shane's shoulder. "Thanks Shane, for coming and stuff."

Shane glanced down at the woman next to her and allowed herself a half-smile. "No problem."

The two sat in silence for quite a while, Carmen slumped against Shane and Shane resting her head against the wall, eyes closed, trying not to jinx the moment. Eventually, Shane lifted her head. It was time to risk a conversation.

"So are you happy you're back in LA?" Shane murmured.

"Mmm, yeah." Carmen sat up. "I mean, it's kind of hard for Liv, which she won't really admit, and I wish that was different. But I don't know. I've never been happier." Carmen frowned. That hadn't come out right. "No, like, I'm just really content."

"That's good," Shane grinned. Then after a pause and quick nod, "That's really good. It's nice to, you know… that you're back."

Carmen smiled to herself and then shared her beam with Shane. "So you're a N.A.S.A. fan?" Carmen asked.

Shane chuckled. "Uhh, yeah."

"Anyone else you like?"

"Hah, let's see. Diplo? DJ Shadow? Crookers?" Shane stated all her favorites as questions, almost like she was asking Carmen for permission to like them.

Carmen nodded approvingly. "So then you probably also like Danger Mouse and The Hood Internet?"

"That predictable?"

Carmen laughed. "Any dubstep?"

"Not my fave. Not your fave either."

"How do you know?" Carmen asked, feigning indignation.

"You spin smooth."

Carmen couldn't deny that. She also couldn't deny that she was a little annoyed that Shane insisted on being so observant and having identical music tastes.

"So when did WAX close?" Carmen asked, shifting the subject slightly. "I was looking forward to spinning there again."

Shane laced her long fingers together and looked down at her hands, playing with one of her rings. "I don't know. Two years ago?" She cleared her throat. "Sorry."

"No, not a big deal. It was just a pretty cool place."

Shane nodded in agreement, then smiled. "Did you ever meet my assistant, Marta? God, she was worthless."

Carmen laughed. "I don't think I had that pleasure." She paused. "I just remember Chase. He was such a character. Oh, and the half pipe. How can anyone forget the half pipe? Or your failures on it," Carmen joked.

"Failures? I don't think I fell once," Shane denied.

Carmen opened her mouth in protest and let out a disbelieving laugh. Shane joined her with a chuckle. "OK, maybe once."

The two continued to share memories of WAX with each other. It felt like a safe subject and they were both enjoying the reminiscing.

Finally, a doctor came to check in with Carmen.

"You're Ms. Morales, right?"

Carmen stood up. "Yeah, yes. How's my mother?"

"She's still doing fine. Our only concern is her level of fatigue. We worry that exhaustion may also be playing a part in this, so we're going to recommend that she spend the night in the hospital, and we'll let her go in the morning."

Carmen took a bit of time to process the information before nodding slowly in comprehension.

"Would you like to see her?"

"Well, I don't wanna disturb… isn't she still asleep?"

"Yeah, do you want me to just come get you when she wakes up?"

"That'd be great. Can you do that? Thanks."

"Alright, I will talk to you later Ms. Morales."

With that, the doctor left and Carmen sat back down.

"Overnight? Shit."

"They're just being careful," Shane offered.

"I guess I should have Liv bring an overnight bag…" Carmen trailed off.

"Speaking of which…" Shane nodded toward the door where a concerned Olivia had just arrived.

"Liv!" Carmen jumped up and the two threw their arms around each other. The hug was quick but loving. "You're here. How are you here?"

"We finished up early today," Olivia brushed the question aside. "But you, how are you doing? How is your mom? What happened?"

Carmen pulled Olivia down into the seat next to hers and gave her the rundown.

"Carmen, I am so sorry I couldn't be here. Ugh, I just feel awful. But you, you promise you're all right?"

"Yeah, well, I've been better," Carmen answered with a sorry smile. "But I'll be fine. And I'm glad you're here."

"Do you wanna go see your mom? You need to get out of this waiting room. Do you know what room she's in?"

Olivia was already standing up, but Carmen had just turned horror-stricken to the woman sitting next to her. She had totally forgotten about Shane. She felt awful. That hadn't been her best display of gratefulness.

Shane had been contemplating whether or not she could just slink out of the room. She wasn't upset or hurt by Carmen's neglect, but she did feel as though it was probably time for her to leave. Now that Carmen had turned back to her, Shane tried to excuse herself gracefully.

"Yeah, you should go see your mom. Make sure everything's OK. I think I'll just head home."

"Shane, I…"

Shane interrupted. She didn't want to hear Carmen apologize to her again. "You don't need anything more, right? Food from the cafeteria, I could grab that overnight bag for you."

Carmen shook her head mutely.

"You sure?"

"Ehemm, yeah," Carmen finally found her voice.

"OK, well, I'll see you later. I hope the night goes well."

Olivia stepped forward and stuck out her hand for a handshake. "Thanks for being here, Shane."

Shane took the hand and gave Olivia a nod. "No big deal."

Shane then turned toward the door and Olivia turned to grab Carmen's hand and lead her down the hospital hall.

"Wait." Carmen had finally snapped out of her shock. She hurried after Shane.

"Shane, before you go. Seriously, thank you so much for everything. You have no idea… it really meant a lot."

"Don't sweat it."

"And uh, I think, you know, if you ever still wanna get that cup of coffee we talked about way back when, I'd really like that. Buying you coffee seems like the least I can do."

Shane grinned. "That would be nice."

"Awesome, it's a date."

Shane smirked at the terminology. "Sure. Give me a call when you're free, and well, after everything's good with your mom."

Carmen smiled, a radiant, slightly embarrassed smile that was strangely reminiscent and almost poetically symmetrical to a smile she had flashed when the two women had met each other for the first time over four years ago. "Will do."


	7. Chapter 7

"Coolest person you met in Chicago?" Shane asked.

Carmen and Shane were out at a café near Carmen's house, catching up over cups of coffee, finally. The two had been comparing stories, trying to piece together the last three years.

Carmen shot Shane a wry look. "Do I have to answer that?"

"OK, well, other than Olivia," Shane stipulated.

Carmen thought for a second. "It's kind of easy. There was a DJ I worked with a couple of times. DJ Pfandy. She was just really fun, _really_ talented. She was probably the first real friend I made in Chicago. I actually…" Carmen smiled at the memory. "Never mind."

"What? Oh, come on."

"Well, I met her before I met Olivia, so…"

"Ohh," Shane nodded in recognition.

"We stayed friends. It was never anything serious," Carmen clarified.

"Right." A knowing smile played on Shane's lips.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. I didn't even say anything."

"Whatever. Who's the… the most famous person whose hair you've done?"

"Hmm. I was doing Nikki Stevens hair for Lez Girls, but uh, I guess her fame has kind of, receded a bit. Soo, probably… Julianna Hough."

"Really?"

"Yeah, they were shooting some sort of Proactiv commercial. I don't really know. I was just subbing."

"Was she cool?"

"Hah, sure. I mean, she was friendly."

Carmen smirked. "Friendly?"

Shane took a strategic sip of her drink. "Mhmm, yeah, you know. Nice."

Carmen laughed. Shane chose not to answer directly to the implication.

"Alright," it was Shane's turn. "Best and worst thing about living in the depths of the Midwest."

Carmen snorted. "It's not like I was living in some foreign country. Chicago is… great."

Shane raised an eyebrow. "You say that so convincingly."

"No, really, it was a fine place to live. I'd say that my favorite part was the lake and Lollapalooza."

"Lollapalooza?"

"Big summer music festival. They've got Gaga this year," Carmen explained. "And, uh, I just didn't like living so far away from my family. And I guess, the gay community is a bit smaller. But I feel like at this point you can really be gay in any big city."

Shane nodded. "Fair enough."

"Um, um, um…" Carmen searched for a good question. "Ooh, OK, best themed night at The Planet."

Shane appeared thoughtful for a moment and then cracked a huge grin. "Lesbian oil wrestling."

"No way."

"Oh yeah."

"When? Why? Wait, what?"

"Well, it wasn't actually at The Planet. It was at SheBar, the club that was there before Hit."

Carmen had a puzzled look on her face.

"SheBar. These two lesbians from Florida came and opened up a new club called SheBar. They ended up being total assholes and tried to steal The Planet from Kit, so Helena bought out their shares and ran them out of town. Now SheBar is Hit. But yeah, lesbian oil wrestling. Those bitches did know how to throw a party."

"That sounds like…"

"Teenage porn fantasy?"

Carmen laughed. "A little."

"But also really fun and like something you totally wish you were at?"

Carmen laughed again. "Well, obviously."

"Yeah," Shane added nostalgically, a slightly woeful look rising to the surface as she remembered the evening. "It was a fun night."

Carmen glanced down at her coffee, brought it halfway up to her lips, then changed her mind and placed it back on the table. She was drawing a blank as to how to respond; she couldn't tell if Shane was having fond memories, or depressing ones. "Sooo… Shebar? It was a fun place?"

Shane gave a non-committal smile. "Eh, I don't know. No. The whole situation kind of cancelled out the fun. Plus, it was way limited back then. Kit and Helena have really expanded Hit. More people, more music, less, I don't know, trashy lesbian things."

"I can see that," Carmen responded with a nod.

"God, it's so weird," exclaimed Shane suddenly, leaning forward in her chair. "Sometimes it seems like you've been gone so long and other times it seems like just yesterday…" Shane trailed off. Carmen's barely noticeable wince had not escaped her observation. "Anyway, I've got another question for you." Shane changed the subject, realizing that the conversation wasn't intended to wander more than three years into the past. "I was on a set last week and, uh, some guy was getting rid of concert tickets to Hollywood Bowl. None of the big shows or anything, but I did get two tickets to the show on Thursday. It's some dude playing Mozart and I know that you like classical music. Would you have any interest in going?"

"With you?" Carmen blurted out, almost rudely. She hadn't meant it the way it sounded; she just wanted to confirm that Shane was inviting her, not giving her both tickets.

"Uhh, well, I dunno. If you don't want… you can just have the tickets if…"

"No, no, no," Carmen cut her off, working to keep her tone unambiguously grateful. "I'd love to go with you. That sounds great. Thanks for inviting me."

Shane smiled, relieved. "Alright, great. You're free? Should I just pick you up before the show?"

"Umm, yes," Carmen replied, visualizing her schedule. "That should work. I'll text you if we need to change the plan."

As the two finished up their coffee, talk turned other things—dream vacations, a new reality TV show about lesbians, whether it'd be harder to be an MTF transgender or an FTM, names for Bette and Tina's baby boy who was due any day now, as well as other more frivolous topics. Eventually, Shane was forced to excuse herself to pick up some dry cleaning and run a few errands. The two parted ways with a cheerful goodbye and a pleasingly un-awkward hug.

Shane strolled out of the café, twirling her keys around her finger and trying not to smile _too _big. She had to admit it to herself, she was happy. Very happy. Sure, she was ecstatic that she and Carmen had somehow managed to be actual friends; she enjoyed spending time with the Latina, rejoiced at how well their coffee date had gone, and was looking forward to the concert on Thursday. That being said, there were other reasons that Shane was so delighted. Since Carmen's return to LA, Shane had slowly let herself feel relief that Carmen wasn't irrevocably fucked up by Shane's abandonment. She was well aware of the trail of broken-hearted victims she left behind her, but rarely permitted renewed contact with those women, let alone extensive interaction. Carmen was a first in that way and Shane was thankful to discover that Carmen had not only managed to find a healthy and loving relationship, but had also recovered enough to allow Shane back in her life. It facilitated the long-forsaken process of self-forgiveness and imbued Shane with a sense of hope on Carmen's behalf. However, as Shane ambled up the sidewalk, she purposefully ignored the lightness in her stomach, trying to forget that it took a particular woman and a certain desire to awaken such a sensation.

Carmen wandered in the other direction, back towards her house, and fought the urge to look over her shoulder and watch Shane walk away. She too was happy, though more guardedly so. Mostly she was proud of herself. It had taken her a long time to adjust to the notion of being friends with Shane. When she got back to LA, she had been prepared to see Shane and to hang out with Shane, assuming that simply returning would sort of be the final step in "putting it all behind her." But she hadn't expected Shane's attempts to create any serious bond, and she really hadn't expected her eventual willingness. Now that they had gotten to this point, she felt so wholesome and realized that this coffee date had been the true final step. No anger, no sadness, no self-preservation or special guidelines—Carmen had genuinely enjoyed their conversation. Plus, Shane was so easy to like. Carmen smiled and shook her head, remembering how easy it had been to fall in love with that woman. She wondered briefly if, given a different situation, she would let herself do it all over again. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves," she joked to herself, quickening her step, turning her thoughts to the lasagna she was cooking for dinner, and looking forward to Olivia's return home.

Later that evening, Shane arrived home, still riding a slight high after what had turned out to be an excellent day. She grabbed her mail and headed inside, flipping through the envelopes as she deposited her keys and turned on a few lights. She cast aside two bills before discovering the heavy, cream colored, fancy envelope at the bottom. She glanced at the return address and suddenly the unexpected delivery made sense. She ripped it open to reveal the wedding invitation and requested RSVP inside. She squinted at the letter. September 25th—Carmen was getting married in two and a half months.

Shane tossed the invitation on the table and headed into the kitchen for a beer. Why hadn't Carmen told her that they'd set a date? After all, they'd spent over an hour with each other that day. Shane, though never one for irrational anger, was getting a little upset, which pissed her off even more. Why should she care? The topic hadn't come up in conversation, so why would Carmen have said anything? "Fuck," Shane said aloud to the empty house. She took her beer back into the other room, picked up the wedding invitation, checked the "Yes, I will be attending" box on the RSVP, slipped it into the pre-addressed and stamped envelope, and headed outside to throw it in the mailbox. "At least that's over with," she thought. Shane considered for a moment why the invitation had evoked such a reaction, but then dismissed the notion, chugged the rest of her beer, grabbed another, and headed into her bedroom to get ready for a night out.


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia received the news of her parents' separation exactly six weeks before her wedding date. Her mom called her at work and tried, rather unsuccessfully, to explain that yes, she and Olivia's father still loved each other, and no, there were no extramarital affairs involved, but that they were no longer living compatible lifestyles. Diana had found a burst of energy in her late 50s—becoming a volunteer firefighter, going skydiving, and learning to salsa were just a few items on her growing list of accomplishments. Carlos, meanwhile, saw impending retirement as a great time to settle in their Michigan beach house, play golf every day, and enjoy all the cigars he had never smoked in his youth. After Diana's fourth vacation without Carlos, the two began to wonder if they wouldn't be happier going their separate ways. It was "the most amicable break-up this town has ever seen," according to Diana, who had borrowed the phrase from the lawyer who was handling the separation.

Olivia terminated the phone conversation quickly. Hearing her mom rationalize the end of a 35-year marriage was frustrating and painful. She sat behind her desk, eyes closed, massaging her temples. She tried to look at her parents' decision objectively, but her mind kept flipping to a memory of her 14th birthday. It had been an unusually warm day in October and her parents had surprised her with a rented sailboat and a day out on the lake. It was one of those moments that gains luster over time so that when Olivia looked back, she forgot the chaos of rigging the boat, her father's shouts, and her own frustrations, instead remembering a perfect day and a happy, united family.

Olivia stood up and walked to a cabinet on the opposite wall where she grabbed a glass and her bottle of gin. She set them down on her desk, and headed over to her mini-fridge to get a few ice cubes and a bottle of tonic water. She really wanted her calm and sensible self to win this fight, but it looked like slightly alcoholic, self-righteous Olivia, an Olivia that only appeared in the face of what she saw as true injustice, was going to be the victor. She poured herself a drink, one that was heavy on the gin and light on the tonic water, sat back down in her desk chair, and eyeballed her glass, swirling the drink and listening to the clink of ice.

"You don't want to drink this," she warned herself aloud. But then the slideshow of pictures that she used as a screensaver for her computer changed to a shot of her and her parents on vacation in Spain. She contemplated the three, smiling, tanned faces before knocking back her drink in two, quick gulps.

Olivia had, from a very young age, recognized how special her parents' marriage was. They were happy and in love, and she was grateful. In fact, she took an almost personal pride in their relationship, telling stories of their first date, sympathizing smugly with her friends who had divorced parents, and ultimately using them as a model once she started dating. But now…what? All of that had been taken from her. Years of giving her girlfriends pairs of funny socks instead of flowers because that's what her parents did, countless double dates to the gym because that's how her parents stayed in shape. She had internalized her parents' marriage, creating a sort of belief structure that now felt rather dismantled.

Olivia stared at the phone on her desk. She knew she should call Carmen, that Carmen could make this better. And yet, she couldn't do it. Olivia's loss of faith in their relationship was immediate and frightening, and Carmen's reassuring words had lost their weight. If Diana and Carlos couldn't stay together and make it work, what chance did Carmen and Olivia have? So instead of picking up her phone, Olivia paged down to her secretary, said she was going home early because she didn't feel well, packed up her stuff, grabbed her bottle of gin, and headed out the door.

Olivia arrived at her empty house about 25 minutes later. She had almost hoped Carmen would be home, there to comfort her and take away her liquor. But Carmen was out registering for gifts with her mom and Shane. Olivia took off her suit jacket and slacks and threw them over an armchair. She prepared herself another G&T in the kitchen, then sprawled in her blouse and underwear on the couch in the living room. She finished her second drink and moved on to her third, not even bothering with the tonic water this time. She smiled as the alcohol sent warmth to her stomach and a pleasant lightness to her head.

Olivia laughed out loud to herself, the gin facilitating a swift transition from grief to bitter sarcasm. "50% of marriages end in divorce. What made you think Mami and Papi were any different?" she reasoned. "He's too stubborn and she's too… stubborn," she smiled at her drunken logic and laughed out loud again. "Oh Olivia, your vocabulary astounds."

When Carmen finally got home later that night, she found an incredibly inebriated Olivia, an empty bottle of gin, and a smashed picture frame that had held an image of the two of them with Olivia's parents down at Millennium Park in Chicago. Olivia started crying before Carmen even had time to fully comprehend what was in front of her.

"What the -, oh my god," Carmen searched for the proper exclamation. "Olivia what's wrong? Are you OK?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," was all Olivia managed to choke out.

"What happened? Olivia, what'd you do?" Carmen quickly approached the kitchen table where Olivia was seated and squatted down next to her, placing a comforting hand on Olivia's thigh.

"I'm sorry. I can't… I'm sorry."

Carmen was beginning to get nervous. She had never seen Olivia like this before. Olivia had always been _her_ steady hand. Carmen wanted to be a good fiancé, she wanted to console the woman she loved, but she found panic rising in her chest where there should have been concern. This was a total role reversal and Carmen wasn't sure she liked it. There was a reason she had stopped dating people with emotional baggage that she had to take care of.

"Liv, hun, it's going to be OK. Just tell me what's wrong."

"My parents," Olivia was having trouble talking through her tears. "My mom's moving out."

Carmen finally understood. She closed her eyes; she didn't need an explanation to be aware of what this meant to Olivia. Carmen stood back up, hugging Olivia to her and stroking the crying woman's hair. Carmen, searching for consoling words, decided she should probably just put Olivia to bed and the two of them could deal with this in the (hopefully more sober) morning.

Olivia, however, decided she didn't need to go to bed just then, lifting her head and staring blurrily at Carmen before grabbing the woman by the collar and pulling Carmen's mouth down to hers. Olivia's kiss was sloppy and she reeked of alcohol. Carmen pulled back.

"Olivia, I don't think this is the best time…"

Olivia stared pleadingly up at Carmen, her hand still grasping Carmen's shirt. Carmen recognized a painfully familiar desperateness in Olivia's face and her heart broke. She didn't want to let Olivia heal her sadness with alcohol and sex, but Carmen didn't have to think back that far to remember a time when she had required the exact same prescription. She threw a leg over the kitchen chair and straddled Olivia, grasping the back of the seat for support and trying to keep Olivia's hungry, drunken kiss under control.

Olivia placed her hands on Carmen's upper thighs and squeezed, hard. Carmen gasped into Olivia's mouth, more from shock then real discomfort. Olivia, seeing there would be no red light from her fiancé, continued to clench at Carmen's legs, as though she were straining to knead her pain into the other woman.

The two barely bothered to undress each other before they had their hands in each other's pants, Carmen trying to make Olivia feel good and Olivia trying not to feel anything at all. Things moved quickly and it wasn't long before the two were slumped against each other in the chair. Carmen, used to a little post-sex kiss and cuddle, was hurt when Olivia almost immediately stood up, declared herself tired, and headed upstairs to shower and go to bed. Carmen sat back in the recently vacated seat and rearranged her clothes, feeling a little sorry for herself and really sorry for Olivia. She got up to grab a beer from the fridge and then settled back down.

Carmen drank slowly, nursing her beer and reflecting on the day. If it hadn't been so tragic, it would almost be funny how quickly her day had turned. When she had walked through the door of her house earlier that night, her biggest concern had been telling Olivia that she had asked Shane to be her maid of honor. She let her mind wander back to that interaction earlier in the afternoon, a slightly more pleasant memory than her latest encounter.

Carmen had been kicking around the notion of asking Shane for a few days. Her sister had already agreed to the job, but Carmen knew that as happy as Patricia was for her, she wasn't really ready to be in a lesbian wedding. She had relieved Patricia of her duties the day before, much to her sister's very apparent relief, and Carmen was left to decide if asking Shane was really such a good idea. When she was totally honest with herself, Carmen knew that Shane had become her best friend in LA. But on top of other obvious reasons, Carmen was hesitant to take the plunge because she couldn't tell if Shane thought of her as a best friend. Carmen figured she would give herself a week to weigh her options and if she hadn't come up with a better choice, she would just ask Shane. But that day, while the two had been shopping with her mom (Mercedes, though not necessarily happy to have Shane there, had decided that after Shane's help in the hospital, she at least needed to be civil), Shane had flashed a smile of such sincere pleasure during the mundane task of gift registry that Carmen momentarily forgot her inhibitions and unthinkingly, spontaneously made the request. Shane's initial shock and confusion had quickly given way to a flattered excitement.

"Do I have to wear a dress?" Shane had asked, hoping to mask her eagerness with a joke, to which Carmen had responded with a light laugh and a teasing, "I mean, if that's what you want…" Shane had then busied her hands re-buttoning the cuff of her shirt and thrown Carmen another smile before the two were called over by Mercedes to examine a sushi set that Carmen and Olivia would absolutely never need.

With another sip of her beer, Carmen briefly wondered at the direction her friendship with Shane had taken. She decided to be consoled by the fact that they got along so well; it gave their year together a little more substance, and though Carmen remained disillusioned by her relationship with Shane, she began to remember why they had been together. It was reassuring, almost like recovering from amnesia.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's note:** Sorry for the delay. I'm back at school and it's a lot harder to find time to write. Also, thanks to O.N. Labbit for the kind words and the shout out.

Carmen sat at the kitchen table the next morning, sipping her mandatory cup of coffee and waiting. She'd gotten downstairs early, hoping to catch Olivia before she went to work. They needed to talk. However, when Olivia finally came down, other than the three Advil she took, indicating just how bad her hangover was, she seemed very willing to act like nothing was wrong. Carmen immediately got nervous. Olivia not dealing with this was almost scarier than Olivia drinking herself into a stupor and sobbing.

"Liv, honey, how are you?" Carmen asked, tentatively testing the waters.

"Mmm," replied Olivia, swallowing her coffee. "Fine. How are you, babe?"

"I'm OK," Carmen paused. "Anything you want to talk about?" Carmen lost confidence at the end of her sentence. That seemed like a feeble way to ask Olivia if she was ready to discuss her parents' separation.

"Look, Carmen, I'm running a little late to work. I'll see you when I get home?"

Carmen sighed. "Yeah, OK, see you later."

Carmen picked herself up and began preparing a new pot of coffee.

"Hey, the girls were talking about meeting at The Planet tonight. You in?" Carmen asked, hoping she could gloss over last night as convincingly as Olivia.

"Hmm?" Olivia asked, evidently not paying attention.

Carmen turned away from the coffee maker and watched her fiancé rifling through her suitcase. She had the urge to grab Olivia's hand and never let go. This moment, this shared life, suddenly felt so transitory; Carmen sensed Olivia slipping away. Tears started to well in her eyes so she turned back to the coffee pot.

"The Planet, tonight. Do you want to come?" Carmen repeated, louder and with an annoyed force.

Olivia paused in her attempt to get out the door and sat exhaustedly in her chair. She glanced up at Carmen, then down at the table, and then closed her eyes as if she was thinking hard, as if whether or not she went to The Planet tonight was actually an important decision. "Sure, whatever," she finally replied before standing up, grabbing her suitcase, and heading towards the door.

Carmen registered Olivia's response and her departure from the room without turning around. "Have a nice day, Liv," she called half a beat later, looking over shoulder, but Olivia was already gone.

It was supposed to have been a productive day for Carmen. She had planned to go look at some DJ equipment that a guy down by USC was selling, get a playlist ready for Friday night at The Planet, go grocery shopping, and then go to the set of the new Dirty Projectors music video to help out a friend. Unfortunately, Carmen had lost any desire to do those things.

She sat at the kitchen table, letting her mind wander and her coffee grow cold. She wanted to call Shane, but knew the hairdresser had work all day. It also struck her how inappropriate it would be to discuss any of this with Shane. Finally, she dragged herself out of her chair and into the shower, hoping she could check the items off of her to-do list quickly.

Once out the door, Carmen actually found driving around LA to be quite soothing. So much so that by the time she returned home around 3, she was starting to look forward to the night at The Planet with Olivia and the girls.

The ladies met at their usual table in The Planet at 9:30. It felt like the first time in a while that the group had all gotten together. Olivia had been busy with work, and she and Carmen were a bit wrapped up in wedding plans. Alice and Tasha had gone away for a weekend to visit Tasha's family. And, most importantly, Bette and Tina's baby boy had finally arrived and the two had been, understandably, distracted. Alice had managed to drag Bette out of the house on this night, but Tina had stayed home with Melvin and Angelica. In a group of women who all felt as though they had some kind of ownership over Bette and Tina's kids, Melvin unsurprisingly dominated the conversation.

""He's just precious, so cute. Bette, tell them what he did when you left the house tonight," Alice demanded.

Bette chortled, but was clearly happy to tell the story. "I was saying goodbye to him, and he kept trying to pull himself up, but he's not quite strong enough yet. So then he contented himself with sticking his hand through the bars of his crib and grabbing my pants. It's like he knew I wanted to leave and he was trying to stop me."

The group let out a collective "awww."

"We think he might be talking soon," exclaimed Bette.

"Seriously? Bette, he's like a month old," reasoned Shane.

"But he just has such an intelligent demeanor. It seems like he can really understand us."

"Whatever," replied Shane, with an exasperated but loving smile. She enjoyed how unconditionally Bette and Tina adored their children. Having never felt as though she had experienced such unqualified affection, it gave her, as cheesy as it sounded, hope.

It was weird; she'd been reminiscing more lately. Thinking back to her childhood, past friends, times with Carmen, with Paige, with Molly, even with Cheri. She still didn't let herself think about Jenny, or at least not in a conscious and considered kind of way. Regardless, she'd been musing, and it was interesting. Remembering moments of happiness and examining the essence of that bliss, or evaluating times of distress and analyzing their origin. She wasn't much of a person to take stock, as it was often too frustrating to linger for long on the various ups and downs of previous relationships and hook-ups. However, and she wasn't sure if it was a changed outlook on life or simply enough distance from the events, she felt comfortable enough to be reflective, to play with her memories a little, to see what they had to say. Shane caught herself staring at Carmen and quickly looked away, turning back to Bette and the conversation at the table.

"Angelica adores him, of course," Bette was saying.

Still talking about Melvin. Shane finished her beer and got up to get another.

"Anyone want anything?" she asked.

The group, glancing at their still ¾ full drinks, gave a collective shake of the head. Shane headed over to the bar and set her empty bottle down, signaling for another. She turned around and watched her friends—their gestures, their interactions, their laughs. She felt a rush of affection for all of them and a newly familiar wave of nostalgia as an interestingly symmetrical moment swam to her mind's eye. It was right after she and Carmen had gotten back together and Angelica had been born. The group sat where they were now, minus Tasha plus Dana, minus Olivia plus… Shane skipped over the details of the group demographics. Carmen had been sitting on Shane's lap and while the gang had engaged in a similar discussion of baby antics, Shane had gotten lost in the pressure of Carmen's legs against her own. Carmen's weight, shifting back and forth atop Shane's knees, had left Shane feeling both comforted and paralyzed. Like an anchor, Shane had thought at the time, stable and grounding but heavy to lug around. Ultimately too heavy, she realized. Now, left feeling undocked and misdirected since Jenny's death, Shane wondered if she might not be ready for a bit more weight in her life.

Shane snapped back to her present surroundings. Frowning, she noticed that Carmen, despite her mostly successful attempts to hide it, was feeling flustered. Shane searched for a cause and found it shortly: Olivia was paying an inordinate amount of attention to Helena. Shane sighed. The discovery of this dynamic did not particularly arouse her desire to return to the table but she'd already been up for too long. Grabbing her beer, she ambled back over to her pals.

"Jesus Shane, I thought you'd drowned in your beer for a second. What took so long?" Alice demanded.

"Long line at the bar," Shane mumbled in explanation.

"So we were just talking. Kit's redoing the bathrooms at Hit and is looking for a color scheme. I think hot pink. Bette wants autumnal, whatever the fuck that means. Helena thinks some sort of boring, chic grey. Whadya think?" Alice directed her question at Shane.

"Huh?" Shane was distracted. She had just heard Olivia complement Helena's necklace and an uncomfortable Helena offer a feeble thanks. Was Olivia flirting?

"Do you think the bathrooms at Hit should be painted hot pink?" Alice yelled.

"Uh, sure. Whatever."

"Hah, I knew it. There you go Kit, it's four to two for hot pink."

Kit giggled. "You sure you doing your math right girl?"

"Yeah! You abstain, Bette and Helena are against, and me, Shane, Tasha, and Carmen are for. Oh and Olivia is for it too. That makes five."

"I don't think Tasha, Carmen, or Olivia cast their votes with you," countered Bette.

"Sure they did. Tasha's my girlfriend, so she agrees. Carmen likes me best, so she agrees. And Olivia's engaged to Carmen, so she'll do whatever Carmen says."

The ladies gave Alice a humoring chuckle.

"Alright, well I'll consider your suggestion," Kit answered, diplomatically. "In the meantime, I'm gonna go check on my boo."

The group watched Kit join Sunset at the DJ booth and then talk around the table began once again. All of a sudden, Carmen jumped up.

Embarrassed by her rash act, she blushed and stammered her way through an explanation. "Wow, haha, I just remembered. Early call in the morning. I, uh, I think I'm gonna head out. Liv, you ready to roll."

The gang was taken aback.

"You're leaving?" Bette inquired. "You just got here."

"Yeah," Alice chimed in indignantly. "You can't leave yet."

Only Shane understood Carmen's eagerness to get the hell out of there. Only Shane had just heard Olivia remark to Helena how pleasantly the tones of their skins contrasted when their hands were entwined, grasping Helena's hand as an illustration.

Olivia shrugged. "You sure you want to go babe?"

Carmen glared at Olivia. "Yes, I'm sure. But if you want to stay, I bet someone else can give you a ride home."

Olivia stared up at Carmen, sadness in her eyes. "No, no, I wanna go with you."

The two stood, Carmen throwing on her jacket and beating a hasty retreat to the door, Olivia hanging around, smiling sheepishly at her friends and attempting a more formal goodbye.

"So, uh, see you guys later." With that, she turned and joined her fiancé at the exit. Shane watched the two of them leave.

"Yo, Shaney, howsit going over there?" Alice asked with a malevolent smile and an implicative tone. "Carmen's return treating you well?"

"Shut up Al. We're friends."

"Friends? I hope you don't look at me like that when I leave a room," Bette injected.

The table erupted with guffaws. Even Shane gave a small laugh. She had to admit, she'd been a little intense with her observation of Carmen this evening. But still, it wasn't exactly her fault. What had gotten into Olivia? She'd been so devoted to Carmen every time before, the two of them absorbed in each other. Something had definitely been off tonight. Shane hoped Carmen was fine.

"OK, but seriously."

Alice and Bette exchanged meaningful looks, which brought a fresh round of laughter and forced Shane, annoyed, to excuse herself in search of more alcohol.

Avoiding the side of the bar where a pair of girls sat eyeing her (one of whom she'd already slept with), Shane ordered her fourth beer. Leave it to a bunch of lesbians to assume that if two women became friends, one inevitably wanted to fuck the other. "I'm not falling in love with Carmen." Shane took comfort in the internal statement, but unexpectedly faltered. "Am I?"


	10. Chapter 10

Back in the car, Carmen was oscillating so quickly between eye-swimming sadness and fist clenching anger that she was having trouble focusing on the road. She kept glancing at Olivia, hoping to receive some explanation or sign of remorse from her fiancé. But Olivia sat impassably in the front seat, staring out her window. Carmen couldn't tell if Olivia's refusal to look at her was intentional, or if Olivia truly was so oblivious. Finally, unable to take it any longer, Carmen swerved across a lane of traffic and turned right onto a smaller residential street, parking the car sloppily against the curb.

Carmen wanted to keep from crying. Olivia was going through a hard time and Carmen didn't want to seem like an irrational, needy bitch. Unfortunately, she could already feel herself tearing up.

"So what was that all about?" Carmen asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

"What? Wait, why are we stopping?"

"In Hit," Carmen paused, waiting for Olivia's moment of realization. It didn't come. "You were hitting on Helena." Carmen was forced to be explicit.

"No I wasn't!" Olivia's response dared to be indignant. To be honest, she barely remembered the evening. She'd been distracted, uninterested in the conversation. She supposed she'd been talking to Helena a bit, but she wasn't even sure about what. She'd spent a majority of the time simply trying to keep it together.

"Olivia, honey, I know you're going through a hard time right now…"

"Oh, don't be so condescending Carmen," Olivia interrupted.

Tears started to stream down Carmen's face. "I can't do this with you anymore. I want to be there for you. But you need to help me a little here. I can't…" Carmen broke off, leaning her head back against the seat and trying to stem the crying.

Olivia watched Carmen. She didn't know what to do, what to say. She felt incapable of connecting with her fiancé. Carmen turned back to face her.

"Look, Liv, just tell me what you want. Do you want space? Do you want to fly to Chicago to visit your parents? Do you want to talk about anything? Do you need to talk to someone else? Do you want to.." Carmen gulped. She didn't really want to put this last option on the table. It hurt to even consider it. "Leave?" she finished softly.

Carmen paused, but still Olivia said nothing. "You have options, OK babe? The only thing you can't do is what you're doing. Are you trying to hurt me?"

"God no," Olivia finally spoke, a quiet but vehement answer to Carmen's ridiculous question. She reached for Carmen's hand in the darkness but found only her thigh. Olivia laid her hand, palm up on Carmen's leg, waiting. Carmen considered the hand lying in her lap, then finally took her own hand which had been clenched between her legs and clutched Olivia's.

"I love you," Olivia murmured.

Carmen smiled and exhaled a breath, relieved. It shouldn't have been so reassuring; she already knew that Olivia loved her. But it was good to hear it anyway. "I love you too."

Olivia lifted Carmen's hand to her mouth and gave it a tender peck, then leaned over and kissed Carmen's shoulder and cheek before Carmen turned to face her and allowed a kiss on the lips.

The two sat side-by-side, fingers interlaced, staring out the windshield for a good amount of time after that. Olivia felt removed, far away from the situation, like she was watching the two of them sit in the car from above. She wanted to be who she needed to be, but she couldn't find her way to Carmen's side. She tried to return, but remained floating overhead, staring down at the two lost women.

Carmen tried to find comfort in Olivia's hand, in that small amount of contact. But it felt like she was holding a poor imitation. Olivia's fingers used to get hot, almost sweaty, when laced with Carmen's, and Carmen could feel their two pulses hammering against each other's skin, trying to keep time with the other. Now, Olivia's hand was cold and unresponsive. Carmen wanted to let go, but couldn't. Letting go felt too much like giving up.

"So what do want to do?" Carmen asked, finally breaking the silence.

Olivia stared intently at their two hands, then bringing Carmen's to her lips again, gave it another kiss. "I want to go home," she responded.

Carmen sighed. She released Olivia's hand and shifted the car back into drive, turning around and heading back towards their house. The two finally arrived at their address. Carmen parked and cut the engine; Olivia opened the door, looking for a quick escape. Carmen grabbed her arm before she could make it out of the car. Olivia wouldn't turn back around to look at Carmen, so Carmen spoke to the back of her head.

"Olivia, I need you to… I need you to…" Carmen couldn't find the words she should say. She knew what she wanted to say: I need you to stay with me, I need you to marry me, I need you to love me. "I need you to think about this. Make a decision. Just please, let's deal with the situation."

"Yeah, yes, absolutely. You're right babe." And with that, Olivia slid from the car and into the house. By the time Carmen had followed Olivia in, locked the front door, brushed her teeth, and gotten ready for bed, Olivia was already pretending to be asleep.

Over the next two weeks, Carmen and Olivia struggled to find a resolution. They were a month away from their wedding but there suddenly seemed to be a lot of reasons not to get married. Olivia had taken to spending long hours at the office, drinking heavily, and stopping by The Planet at inappropriate hours to talk with Helena. She knew she was hurting Carmen, which in turn hurt her. She loved Carmen, truly. She longed for the relationship they had had, the previous pure simplicity of their love. But, and she knew how selfish and immature this sounded, she couldn't get back there. She replayed Carmen's request through her head: let's deal with the situation. She wasn't dealing with it. She was pretty sure that was because she knew the outcome; if she honestly dealt with the devastation engendered by her parents' divorce, she would have to postpone the wedding. Her sadness had completely changed their relationship dynamic, and Carmen wasn't in a position to be the protector and comforter that Olivia had been. On top of that, Olivia was struggling with her confidence in the resilience of their, or any, relationship. But, she didn't want to break off the engagement. She wanted to get married, she wanted to begin the life that she had been imagining for so long, she wanted to believe that eventually, her love for Carmen could fix everything. So she was staying away, refusing to let Carmen ask her questions she couldn't answer, trying (unfairly) to just make it to September 25th—the wedding.

It was Olivia's attempts to avoid Carmen that drove her to The Planet. After work, she would stop by Helena's office after the café closed for the night, requesting the odd filing job, providing unsolicited legal advice, and mistakenly believing the Brit to be her best friend in LA. Helena, despite her discomfort at the attention, saw that Olivia was hurting and was too nice to turn her away, so she humored her for the moment.

One night, Olivia was nursing her third G&T and asking Helena about her childhood. Helena, trying to make it through employee paperwork before midnight and just hoping that Olivia stayed sober enough to make it home, answered distractedly.

"Well, you know, I had a typical rich kid upbringing. Boarding school, working and busy mother, absent father. I grew up feeling, in many ways, entitled. I guess the only difference is that I was gay, but even there, I never really faced conflict. I mean, I was pretty much under the assumption that having money meant I could do whatever I wanted. So I shagged girls."

At that point, finished with her current box of files, Helena stood up to carry the box back over to the closet in her office.

"Oh here, let me help you with that," Olivia jumped up to lend a hand.

"No, its OK. I've got it."

Olivia stood by awkwardly as Helena maneuvered the box back on top of its stack.

"You know, I think you should give yourself more credit," Olivia commented. "I mean, maybe you _were_ just a rich kid. But I think you've turned out pretty great."

Resuming her seat on the couch, Olivia picked up her glass, then set it back down and cradled her head in her hands as Helena watched sympathetically from her position by the closet.

"I know I'm just being the worst person right now," Olivia murmured through her fingers.

"No, no, you're going through… a lot," Helena responded, finally giving in and joining Olivia on the couch to comfort her. After a few seconds, she asked the question she asked every night. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Olivia sat up brusquely, rubbing her eyes, and finished her drink. "No, I'm good. There's nothing to talk about."

Helena didn't quite understand why Olivia hung around, refusing to talk through her issues, consuming copious amounts of gin, and interrogating her about various aspects of her life, but she figured people grieved differently and she had to be patient. Olivia's heart was, after all, in the right place, and Helena wanted to be friends. The only problem was that Olivia kept making references to her ex and creating uncomfortable situations with meaningful glances and intimate gestures. Like now, when she turned to Helena, slightly bleary eyed, put a hand on Helena's arm, and leaned forward as though leaning in for a kiss.

Helena stood up and returned to her desk, ignoring Olivia's slip-up and hoping they could pretend it never happened.

"I think you should talk to Carmen," Helena offered her advice. "I think it would really help. She loves you."

Olivia squinted. "I want to…be better…before I talk to Carmen," Olivia struggled to form her sentence.

"Carmen could make you better."

Olivia shook her head; Helena sighed. Well, it was worth the try.

"I think I'm gonna take off," Olivia stood up.

"You good to make it home?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks Helena." Olivia turned toward the door, threw one last wistful glance over her shoulder as though she was considering a missed opportunity, then exited the room. She didn't know why she kept trying to kiss Helena. She reasoned that if she could kiss this woman that she was attracted to but not in love with, she could discover the indefinable spark between her and Carmen, the thing that set their relationship apart; she would feel nothing when she kissed Helena and realize how much she cared about Carmen. Olivia understood how faulty this logic was. She hopped in her car and headed home, relieved that Carmen had a gig and would be out way after Olivia had already gone to bed.

While Olivia resorted to these coping mechanisms, Carmen spent her time trying not to panic. After the first week of Olivia shutting her out, she had finally given in and called Shane. The two had met over coffee and Carmen had explained Olivia's relationship with her parents and her reaction to the divorce.

"I just wish she would talk to me," Carmen opined.

Shane sat thoughtful, mixing her coffee with a spoon and momentarily avoiding eye contact.

"She's avoiding me."

"I doubt she's avoiding you, Carmen."

"On nights when I'm home, she works late. On nights when I'm out working, she comes home early and goes to bed before I get back," Carmen shot back, but lost her fire as quickly as it had come. "When I had a gig, Liv used to always wait up for me," Carmen explained dejectedly.

Shane saw the hurt in her friend's eyes and wanted, almost violently, to make it go away. She clenched her fist under the table. She didn't know why she was angry—mad at Olivia? Frustrated with Carmen? Pissed at the situation? Jealous? Shane dismissed her swell of emotion; she needed to be a helpful and supportive friend.

"Maybe Olivia just needs space," Shane offered.

Carmen harrumphed at that notion.

"You don't think so?" Shane asked.

"Well, that's just not a very mature or considerate way to deal with this."

"Carmen," Shane chastised gently. "You know that's not fair."

"You're right. Nothing about this situation is fair. I'm supposed to sit back, four weeks before my wedding, let my fiancé fall apart, and just be a supportive wife while my relationship crumbles."

Shane really didn't want to say what she knew she should say. She gulped, preparing for the backlash. "This isn't about you," she almost whispered.

"Wha-," Carmen began, initially misunderstanding Shane. Her question turned into a pointed and fierce glare. "Fuck you."

"Carmen…please," Shane tried to dissuade the Latina from her wrath.

"No Shane, fuck you. Who are you to act holier than thou? You're telling me that I'm being selfish? Do you ever think about _anyone _but yourself? How did that girl at the bar feel when you kicked her out of the house at 9 am the next morning?"

"I can leave." Shane wasn't really in the mood for this bullshit. She loved Carmen, but her complete lack of rationality when she was upset was not one of Shane's favorite things, and her patience for it was severely reduced when the two of them weren't sleeping together. If Carmen wasn't willing to listen, and was just going to lash out at her when she voiced her opinion, well, Shane had other things she could be doing.

Carmen deflated again. She knew Shane was right, and also felt rather incapable of maintaining an angry front when she felt so depressed.

"No, please stay. I'm sorry," Carmen apologized.

Shane nodded.

"I'm just so scared. It's not just a question of Liv's sanity and whether we'll make it to the wedding. It's like, what do we look like, what does our marriage look like, after this? Say Liv makes it through…whatever she's going through—is she still the person I love and who loves me?"

"Well, you can't know. Isn't that what makes it so…terrifying?"

"What's terrifying?"

"It, all of it. Love, marriage, relationships."

"Is that what you think?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is that why you do…what you do?" Carmen was in interrogation mode.

Shane flinched. "We're not talking about me."

Carmen considered that reply for a bit. Choosing not to respond, she changed course. "I just don't know what to do." She suddenly felt so tired and, slumping in her chair, drained the rest of her coffee.

"Yes, you do," Shane countered.

"Enlighten me."

"Be the honest, caring, and wonderful person you always are. Olivia's struggling right now, but she will come back."

"You think so?"

Shane reached across the table and grabbed Carmen's hand. "I know so."

Carmen looked up and the two women made true eye contact for the first time that day. While still holding hands, Carmen sought comfort in Shane's green while Shane looked for something a lot closer to affection in Carmen's brown.

"Thank you," Carmen finally mouthed.

Shane smiled, and tried to remind herself that she wanted Olivia and Carmen to work it out.

"I should probably head out," Shane said, standing up and throwing some bills down on the table. "Call me if you need anything?"

Carmen smiled ironically. "I guess I'll be fine for now."

Shane couldn't help but grin at Carmen's insolence. "So melodramatic. Things are gonna be OK, Carm."

She approached Carmen's side of the chair for a quick good-bye. Carmen stood too, and the two women embraced. Shane, used to keeping all contact short, was ready to pull back quickly but Carmen held on. Shane realized this was more than a simple au-revoir and rather than being uncomfortable, felt herself relax in Carmen's arms. Pulling the Latina closer and bending her head to rest on Carmen's shoulder, she tried to submit consolation through her touch but found it hard to focus on Carmen's grief rather than the smell of her hair. They stood like that for what felt to Shane like a still-too-short 20 minutes, but was in reality closer to 40 seconds. Carmen finally leaned back and offered a feeble smile up at Shane. Shane didn't know if she wanted to cry or beam, so settled for kissing Carmen on the forehead, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze, and fishing out her car keys as she left the café. Carmen, left standing beside her chair, didn't need to be a genius to recognize how much Shane had enjoyed hugging her. She closed her eyes and shook her head, confused, nervous, and wishing she wasn't still tingling where Shane's lips has met her skin.

Olivia and Carmen continued their charade for another week and a half. Finally, two and half weeks before the wedding, Carmen came home in time to make dinner to find Olivia waiting for her at the kitchen table. Disbelievingly, she almost began to rejoice, falsely assuming that this was Olivia's readiness to resume a routine and work on their relationship. But, there was something off about the scene. Carmen scanned the room, trying to place the reason for the sinking feeling in her stomach. She noticed Olivia's silent tears first and the two suitcases in the corner of the room second. Carmen felt like her small intestine was attempting to loop itself around her lungs and her heart was pausing in contemplation while her stomach shriveled. She tried not to hyperventilate and stood in the center of the kitchen, unseeing and near deaf, just barely making out Liv's words.

"Carmen, I'm going back to Chicago. I'm moving back in with my mom for a bit. You have no idea how sorry I am. But you're right; I can't keep doing this to you. It's not fair to either of us. I'm gonna spend some time with family, try to make sense of everything. I'm not expecting you to forgive me, or to wait for me, but after I deal with this, I _am_ going to come back. Carmen, I will always love you."

Carmen stared at her hands. They seemed so out of place, so useless attached to her immobile body. "How long?" she tried to ask.

"What?" Olivia stood up desperately, wanting to offer the most basic comfort of communication.

Carmen took a deep breath. "How long?" she choked out.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know anything." Her despair bordered on anger and she clenched her jaw, trying to stop crying. She stepped forward to hug Carmen and then thought better of it, left standing awkwardly in front of the silent woman.

"My plane's in three hours. I have to go. I didn't want to give you a lot of time, or make you watch me pack. I figured this might be easier."

"Easy?" Carmen was so perplexed by the use of that word. She still felt so far from comprehension, so numb, but she knew the word easy was out of place.

"No, not easy," Olivia conceded, worried by Carmen's blank stare and apparent lack of emotion. "Carm, will you be OK?"

Carmen looked up at Olivia, lost, confused, and shook her head no.

Olivia didn't want to deal with the heartbreak of Carmen's glance and hardened herself with annoyance. "Yes, you will," she said forcefully. "You will. We'll both be OK. I'm sorry, I have to go." She turned briskly, grabbed her suitcases, and was out the door.

The last thing Carmen remembered was catching a glimpse of the brown plates she and Olivia had purchased together and feeling angry that she had let Olivia convince her to get such ugly dishes; then, everything went black.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** So this update is long overdue and losing direction... two things you don't want. But, I'm super excited about the next chapter which is almost ready. So bear with me? And suggestions are always welcome.

"Wait, so, Olivia just… left?" Alice asked, her question a mixture of utter surprise and knee-jerk scorn. "What happened? How could she do that to Carmen? What the fuck is her problem? What is Carmen gonna do now? Who the fuck does Olivia think she is? Where is she going? Why is…"

"Alice, stop it," Bette interrupted.

Alice closed her mouth for a moment, then seemed to remember she didn't need to do whatever Bette ordered, and started to open it again. Before she had the chance to launch into another series of indignant questions, Tasha made pointed eye contact and shook her head, mouthing the words "not now." Alice, frustrated that no one was indulging her need for outrage and gossip, sat back in her chair with a pout. Tasha, smiling at her girlfriend's antics, sat back with her and placed a knowing hand on Alice's thigh.

The crew was assembled, unsurprisingly, at The Planet. Well, everyone except Carmen, Shane, and an apparently M.I.A. Olivia. Bette had gotten the text from Shane. Apparently, the hairdresser had gone over to Carmen and Olivia's house to drop off cake samples and discuss other catering plans and had found Carmen sitting on the kitchen floor, back against a cabinet, in what looked like a state of shock. After getting enough of the story to realize what had happened, Shane decided Bette should pass on news of the astonishing development.

Though Bette complied, she was already cursing Shane for placing this burden on _her_ shoulders. The questions she couldn't answer, the "kill the messenger" stares she was receiving from her friends, on top of her own inability to process what all of this meant and the woeful lack of information Shane had managed to convey; Bette could feel the pressure of an oncoming head ache building behind her eyes.

It was interesting how disrupting this chain of events was turning out to be. Olivia had only been in LA for about six months. She wasn't particularly close to anyone but Carmen. And though they were happy for the couple, no one was jumping at the chance to trek out to Vermont of all places for a wedding. Still, all six women were experiencing the same uncomfortable silence and palpable tension. Quite simply, they were upset. Carmen's heart was broken again, the possibility that she would disappear for another three years seemed a viable one, and the group of friends was now under immense pressure to take care of this situation, cancel the wedding plans, and insure Carmen's well-being.

"Olivia better be paying me back for my plane ticket," Alice broke the silence.

" Alice," Bette chastised her friend once again, a bit more forcefully this time.

Alice glared. She understood why Bette and the others were being so touchy but she didn't appreciate it. She wasn't the type of person who squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her temples when she was dealing with a crisis. She wanted to yell, to demonize Olivia, to find Carmen and help Shane; not sit here while her coffee grew cold and her friends sighed themselves into a depressing malaise. Standing up, Alice decided to do just that.

"I think I'm gonna head to Carmen's," she announced.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" asked Helena.

"Yeah, actually, I do. Look guys, I'm not gonna mope in here with you. I wanna go see how Carmen's doing. I wanna find out what happened. And to be honest, I don't think you all are being very reasonable. We need to go make sure Carmen's OK, and we have a right to know what's going on. They're both our friends."

"Yeah, but Alice, we also need to give them space. Obviously we all want to be there for Carmen. And we will be. But it's not our place to stick our noses in and overwhelm her with our compassion. Compassion that is merely a mask for our curiosity," Tina explained eloquently. Alice harrumphed.

"Besides Al, Shane is with Carmen. And you know, despite everything, she might be the perfect person to deal with this," Helena reasoned, a bit more sympathetically.

Alice ultimately relented. "But I'm going over there first thing tomorrow," she compromised, shooting a look that warned her friends against further dissuasion.

Meanwhile, over at Carmen's, Shane was struggling. Even equipped with the empathy and devotion that made her such a valuable friend, this was a difficult situation to navigate. And that was before you factored in Shane and Carmen's history.

At the moment, after coaxing a practically unresponsive Carmen into bed, Shane was in the kitchen, preparing some food and hot tea. She couldn't be sure, but she had a feeling that Carmen hadn't eaten since Olivia had left about 35 hours ago. As she organized a bowl of strawberries and a toasted bagel on a tray, Shane tried to plot her next move. Taking care of Carmen's basic needs—food, rest, maybe a shower if things went well—seemed like a good place to start. But then what? Shane had no idea what to say to alleviate even a bit of the pain Carmen must be feeling. Anything she came up with sounded trite, ridiculous, and downright dishonest coming from her. She couldn't help but wonder, "was this how Carmen was when _I_ left?" She tried to ignore the impulse, shove the question back, but she found herself intermittently paralyzed with guilt at the mere possibility of that being the case. Guilty and so incredibly sad; that someone as beautiful and amazing as Carmen would have to go through this twice was unfair. It made Shane hate life, and then hate herself, and then hate life a little bit more.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," Shane said aloud, accenting each curse with a kick to the kitchen island. She was ready to fall apart. Her hands were shaking, she felt weak and nauseous, and she was dying for a shot, certain that would be the key to making herself feel better. She quickly grabbed a glass from one of the cabinets and filled it with water from the sink, chugging the cold liquid, closing her eyes, and willing herself to calm down. "I need to pull it together. For Carmen," she reasoned, deciding to postpone the self-deprecation indefinitely. Grabbing the tray of food, Shane headed upstairs.

At the door to Carmen's bedroom, Shane knocked hesitantly. There was no response and Shane briefly considered chickening out, laying the tray of food in front of the door, and retreating back downstairs. Tilting her head back with a satisfying crack of her joints and exhaling quickly, she found her resolve and creaked the door open. The lights were off and Carmen was a lump under the covers on the bed. Shane trod lightly over to the nightstand, placed the tray of food down, and flipped on the bedside lamp. Carmen groaned at the intrusion of the light, pulling the covers over her head and turning her back to Shane.

"Carmen, shh, it's OK," Shane hushed, moving to seat herself on the bed. Pausing momentarily to choose the best place to lay a comforting hand, Shane opted for a shoulder squeeze. "Come on, Carm, you've gotta eat. Please," Shane pleaded.

Carmen felt a surge of irrational anger directed towards Shane for daring to be in her bedroom right now, but it dissipated just as quickly as it had arisen. Her mood swings were getting exhausting. Carmen closed her eyes and willed her body to absorb the heat and consolation emanating from Shane's hand; since Olivia had left, she'd been completely unable to stay warm.

"Carm…" Shane's voice had taken on a warning tone.

"I'm not hungry," Carmen mumbled.

"Do you at least want something to drink? I brought you some tea."

Carmen shook her head.

Shane sighed. "OK, well, I'll leave it on the night stand. If there's anything else you want… need. Lemme know?"

Shane got no response. Giving up for the moment, she stood heavily and turned toward the door.

"Wait, Shane?" Carmen finally spoke up, rolling in the bed to face her friend. "Will you just… stay with me for awhile?"

Shane couldn't help but crack a wane smile at the request, reassured and even a bit flattered that Carmen would seek comfort from her.

"Absolutely. Yes. Anything you- yes."

Shane resettled herself on the bed, sitting upright against the headboard.

Carmen moved to lay her head in Shane's lap. Shane put her hand out to stroke Carmen's hair, but then hesitated, her hand hovering as she calculated the advisability of such a gesture. Shaking her head at all of this second-guessing, Shane committed and rested her hand gently on Carmen's head.

Carmen hummed, shifting further into Shane's body. Shane ran her fingers slowly through Carmen's hair. She wondered if she should formulate some words of consolation but quickly abandoned the effort. She let the two of them sit in silence, listening to Carmen's steady breathing, hoping that for now, this would be enough.

Alice made her promised visit the following morning. But Carmen still hadn't gotten out of bed and Shane was adamant that Alice not bother the Latina. Instead, Shane made a fresh pot of coffee and she and Alice sat in Carmen's kitchen, sipping at their mugs and chatting. Well, Alice was chatting.

"Shane, you promise she's OK? Please, just let me see her. I think I can cheer her up!"

"Al, she's resting."

"OK, but I've been working on my Olivia impersonation. You ready?"

"Alice, seriously?"

Alice missed Shane's disapproval.

"Yeah, hold on."

Alice straightens in her chair, flips her hair back, and assumes a faux-intellectual tone.

"Hi. I'm Olivia. I'm a lawyer. I'm about as much fun as a mammogram. Did I mention that I was a lawyer? No, really, ask me a legal question. I dare you. Blah, blah, Chicago, blah. Can we be friends?"

"Alice!"

"What? Oh, come on, that's spot on."

"I really don't think that's going to be helpful right now."

"Whatever. Carmen needs to get over it. Olivia wasn't that great. I'm just trying to show her that."

Shane glares at her friend.

"Ugh, fine, fine. Seeing as you're taking a shit on all of my fun ideas, is there anything I _can_ do to help?"

"Actually, yeah. Do you think you could head to my place and bring me back a few of my things? Just some clothes, my toothbrush. I think I might stay here for a bit."

"Well that's a little presumptuous of you Shane."

"Please, Al. What do you think? That I think I'm the best person to do this? It's just, someone needs to stay here and it's easier… I mean, I don't have a day job. I can just stay here for a few days. No big deal."

"Yeah, yeah, alright. Fine. I'll bring you some of your stupid clothes. But I might accidentally forget your underwear and I won't feel bad about it."

Shane rolled her eyes at her friend. "Thanks Alice."

Alice stood to go and Shane walked her to the door.

Before exiting, Alice felt obligated to be a bit more charitable. "Look, Shane, I just, you should know—we are all here for you. And for Carmen. I know I was kind of a bitch about it earlier, but I mean it. For real. You don't have take all of this on yourself. In fact, you shouldn't. So, yeah, help. It's here, when you want it. You probably won't even have to ask for it."

Shane smiled and opened her arms for a hug. The two women embraced.

"Thanks Alice," Shane repeated.

"No problem."

With that, Alice spun on her heels and headed out the door.

After Alice delivered the overnight bag, Shane pretty much moved into Carmen's house. The first few days were demanding but straight-forward enough; Shane spent most of her time trying to coax Carmen out of bed, force food down her throat, and help her to maintain a certain level of personal hygiene.

Carmen, though largely unresponsive, was at least docile. As painful as it was to see her be so un-Carmen, Shane couldn't help but be slightly appreciative of the quiet routine they had slipped into, knowing it was only a matter of time before the fiery and irrational Carmen awoke and proved much more challenging. And even though Shane hated herself a little for it, she came to love the moments when the two of them would lie in the bed and Carmen would place her head in Shane's lap, the way she had done on that first day. It was the only point where Shane felt herself relax; the rest of the time she tiptoed around the house, feeling like an intruder, inhabiting a space that was so far from belonging to her, and questioning her ability to be what Carmen needed. Shane had never trafficked much in insecurities. Feeling so unsure and uncomfortable was frustrating.

Carmen, meanwhile, would remember little of that time. All she felt was an emptiness and a coldness, a slow ache and a feeling of anticipation. Something bad was coming, something she needed to prepare for, something her mind was taking too long to comprehend. But she knew when she did understand, that's when the bad thing would start. And she knew the bad thing would be painful. She felt slow, inhuman, out of touch, and as much as she dreaded the bad thing, she wondered if her current situation was actually worse.

The instances she remembered most clearly were when a hand would stroke caringly through her hair and ground her both in time and in space. She would feel safer, and like maybe she would eventually be able to remember who she was and why she was here. Somewhere in her mind, she knew that the hand belonged to Shane, and she built up a subconscious sense of gratitude towards her friend. But, as she drifted in and out of various states of mind, sometimes sleeping, sometimes convinced she had to be dreaming, she cycled through a veritable parade of imagined loved ones. Her mother, the father she never knew, her grandmother, the first girl she ever loved, various friends, Dana, even Jenny, and of course Olivia. Always Olivia.

One morning, about five days after Olivia left, Carmen's brain finally processed what that departure meant and the pain that it brought. The bad thing had arrived. It was like a fever breaking. She awoke from a dream with a start; in it, Tina and a very pregnant Bette had been patiently explaining why they could take her guest bedroom and turn it into a nursery for their third kid. "You don't need it anymore. You won't be having one of these," Tina had said, rubbing Bette's stomach affectionately.

Awareness hit Carmen like the proverbial pile of bricks. With a gasp that sounded a lot like "Olivia," she remembered the packed suitcases, a plane ticket to Chicago, a cancelled wedding, and a rather botched set of future plans. A lone tear ran rather poetically down Carmen's cheek, but the overwhelming sadness came with other realizations. Primarily, she was starving.

Feeling weak, like she had to hold herself to keep from falling apart, Carmen rolled out of bed and dragged herself downstairs. In the kitchen, a familiar but strangely out of place figure stood at the counter with its back to her, apparently making coffee.

"Shane?" Carmen's voice came out soft and cracked with lack of use.

Shane spun around like she'd been caught doing something illegal, eyes wide and hands sort of frozen in front of her.

"Carmen?" Shane's pure surprise was almost comical.

"What are you doing here?" Carmen rasped.

"Um… I…" The question caught Shane off-guard. She'd assumed Carmen had recognized her continued presence. "I kind of…moved in for a bit."

Carmen's eyebrows knitted together in concerned confusion.

"Just to help you," Shane quickly amended. "You weren't really eating, or even moving Carm. I just, I don't know. Alice and Helena stopped by too to see how you were doing."

Carmen's mouth dropped open.

"No, no. Sorry. Everyone else wanted to come too. But I told them not to bother you. You were, you know, resting." Shane was rambling. Shane _never_ rambled.

"What?" Carmen interrupted, so far from understanding what Shane was trying to say.

Shane took a deep breath and calmed down, reminding herself that she'd done the right thing and been a good friend. Slowly, more carefully, she explained.

"You've been kind of out of it for the past week, Carmen. I've just been hanging around a bit to make sure you were OK, or at least, alive. I can take off if you don't want me here. I was just trying to help."

Carmen's eyes narrowed. "Is that coffee?" she asked.

Shane glanced over her shoulder, surprised for the second time that morning. She'd definitely thought Carmen was about to lay into her. "Uh, yeah."

"Can I have a cup?"

"Of course," Shane replied, happy after the days of uncertainty to have an actual request to respond to and a basic task to perform.

"With two Splendas and a splash of milk?"

Shane smirked. "Carm, I think I know your coffee order by now."

"Oh. Okay." Carmen was still readjusting to humor.

Shane cleared the grin from her face and let out a quiet sigh, busying herself with preparing Carmen's drink. Carmen settled herself at the kitchen table and soon Shane joined her with two steaming mugs. Carmen wrapped both hands around her cup and lost herself in the familiar smell. When she finally looked up, Shane was staring intently at her.

"Do you need anything else?" Shane inquired. She was smart enough not to ask the question that was really on her mind. She knew Carmen would have no response to: "how are you doing?"

"I'm actually really hungry."

Shane let out a quiet chortle.

"What?"

"No, nothing. It's just… I mean, I'd be hungry too. All I got you to eat in the past few days was six strawberries," Shane explained.

Carmen nodded her head slowly.

"What would you like?"

"Chicago's Giordano deep dish pizza." Carmen's reply was almost robotic. It was Olivia's favorite food.

Shane pursed her lips with quiet concern. "Hmm, running kind of low on that," she tried to make light of the situation. "But I can get you some regular, shitty LA pizza… or you've got food here. The Ego waffles in your freezer are top notch."

Carmen nodded her head again.

"Was that a yes? To Ego's?"

"Whatever."

"Alright," Shane squared her shoulders against Carmen's pathetic and trying indifference. Just like she'd been doing for the past few days, she was just going to have to follow her instincts, expect little from Carmen, and hope for the best. "I'm going to make you breakfast."

Shane whipped together a pretty impressive spread—an egg and cheese omelet, with bacon and some fresh fruit on the side, and Ego Waffles, just because she'd mentioned them. She laid the food in front of Carmen as it became ready and the Latina ate quickly without much consideration or appreciation. When she'd finished, she stood and made her way to the door.

"I think I might take a quick shower. Maybe go back to bed. I don't feel… very well," Carmen paused at the end, as though searching for an adjective that could maybe describe how she was feeling, before abandoning the effort, and settling for "very well."

Shane stood with her. "Wait, Carm. Can we- do you want me to stay? I don't want to intrude."

Carmen seemed to actually contemplate the question, which Shane was thankful for. She wanted Carmen to have an opinion, to care about something, to express either a need for her presence or enough resilience to attempt true solitude.

"Whatever you want," Carmen finally answered.

It was not the response Shane had been looking for. She stopped Carmen before the woman could leave the room.

"No. You need to tell me what you want. I can't just keep hanging around here."

Carmen let out a wry laugh.

"What?" Shane asked.

"Shane, the person I love most in the world left me in our kitchen with the words 'you're gonna be OK,'" Carmen sneered meanly at her friend. "Sorry if I don't give a shit about whether you're here to cook me breakfast and clean my bathroom. I've kinda got a lot on my mind."

Shane took a step back and blinked, like the words had slapped her in the face.

"Are we good here?" Carmen continued. Without waiting for Shane to answer, she swept out of the room.

Shane obviously chose to stay. As much as Carmen's words hurt, she was grateful for them. Carmen was at least cognizant of her situation, and she was also right. Whether or not Shane stuck around paled in comparison to Carmen's other problems. Finally understanding that reality made things infinitely easier for Shane. The weight had been removed from her actions, and, as was often the case with Shane, she relished the feeling. She would stay, cook for Carmen, try to make her more comfortable, do what she could around the house, and generally stop worrying about everything. Carmen was going to hurt. For a long time. Regardless of what Shane did or didn't do. It was a helpful, and yet heartbreaking thing to be reminded of.


	12. Chapter 12

Shane decided it was probably best to give Carmen some space, confident that her friend would reemerge when she was ready and/or needed something. Sure enough, at around 5:30 that evening, Carmen ventured downstairs, apparently hungry once again.

"You're still here." Carmen wasn't surprised that Shane had stuck around. She wasn't much of anything.

"Dinner?" was all Shane asked in response. She already had spaghetti cooking.

"Yes," Carmen hesitated. "Please," she finally tacked on at the end and the word came out bitterly, like she resented the notion that she might still be expected to be polite.

Carmen sat herself at the kitchen island while Shane finished preparing the food.

"You know that you're a horrid cook, right?" With a playful or teasing tone, the question would have been harmless. But Carmen asked the question with quite a bit of malice.

Shane turned from where she stood at the stove with a curious smile, observing the sullen Latina. Leave it to Carmen to skip sadness and go straight to the anger part of the grieving process. But the smile quickly fell from Shane's face; she could see, probably better than most, how fragile Carmen actually was in this moment, how close she was to breaking.

Shane placed the plate of food in front of Carmen and took a seat at the table. She didn't mind taking a few punches, but she also didn't feel obligated to dignify Carmen's spitefulness with a response.

Carmen took a few bites of the pasta and then threw down her fork. "Yup, this sucks."

"My apologies," Shane murmured.

Carmen realized that Shane was being a good friend, and she knew that she owed her a lot. But she was so indiscriminately furious. Life was officially fucked up and she was sick of dealing with it. She felt close to hitting someone. And Shane was closest.

"How can you even stand to be here?" Carmen questioned. She was actually curious. Carmen knew Shane was uncomfortable and wondered why she hadn't run away yet.

Shane cocked her head and tried to make eye contact with the woman sitting across from her. Carmen resisted momentarily, then finally gave in, allowing dark brown orbs to meet piercing green ones. Shane had never really needed many words to communicate. It was simple. She was here because she cared. And she trusted that Carmen, always particularly adept at reading her, would see that.

Carmen rolled her eyes at Shane's sincerity. "Doesn't it hurt? Knowing you did this to me too? You know, I was worse after you left."

Shane stood up at Carmen's words and turned her back on the Latina.

"What? You don't want to hear about it? You've got to be wondering."

Carmen rose and moved to stand directly behind Shane.

"I literally wanted to die. I couldn't be awake, because the pain of losing you felt like being burned alive, and frozen to death, and exploding, and collapsing in on myself, all at once. And I couldn't sleep because the dreams. Shane, the dreams were driving me crazy."

Carmen whispered the words at Shane's back.

"Did you know that I couldn't have sex for over a year? The vulnerability. I couldn't let anyone close enough, give anyone any part of myself. When clothes started to come off, I would shut down, start hyperventilating, have a panic attack. One time, I started having chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack. The chick had to take me to the hospital."

Shane flinched, and Carmen hated how much she loved it.

"Look at me… Shane, look at me," Carmen ordered.

Slowly, painfully, Shane turned. Her jaw was clenched impossibly tight and her eyes were wide with what looked like terror. It was like the car crash that you can't look away from. Shane wanted Carmen to stop, but she couldn't help but hang on every word. Because there was always that little bit of Orpheus in her that wanted to look back over her shoulder and see what she'd left behind.

"See this?" Carmen asked, lifting up her hair to show a nasty scar right along her hairline that she was able to hide with her bangs. "They ruled it an accident. I never told anyone that I stomped on the accelerator and ran myself into the guardrail."

"Carmen," Shane whispered the name.

"What? That wasn't what you wanted? What do you want when you leave Shane? What do you feel? Anything other than relief? Is it easy? That moment when you knew you were letting me walk down the aisle alone, was it easy? I've been trying to figure it out. Because, you know Shane, you do have a heart. And a soul. And a moral compass. So I'm trying to figure out how someone with all of those things could do what you did."

"I… don't…"

"You know what, don't answer those questions. There's nothing you can say. At least with Olivia, I know why she left. She had the decency to sit down and tell me, pretend to have an excuse for why she could break me."

The two women continued to face each other, and as she talked, Carmen inched closer.

"You know what you're gonna do now, Shane? You're gonna teach me how to be more like you. Because I'm tired of caring and getting hurt. I'm tired of feeling weak. I'm tired of letting feelings and emotions tell me what to do and what to say."

Carmen now stood so near Shane that she could feel Shane's breath on her face. She could have sworn that there was a field of electricity between them; the heat and tension and energy were so palpable. What was it that made Shane so magnetic? The closer Carmen got, the more strongly she felt pulled. She could feel Shane watching her, but not just looking at her, looking into her, like she could tease out truths Carmen didn't even know existed.

Shane knew she couldn't move, and was pretty sure she couldn't speak. She just studied the emotions as they flickered across Carmen's face.

"And you know what else I'm tired of? I am so freaking tired of making love."

Carmen took the final step and leaned into Shane's body. Shane's breathing hitched at the contact. She recognized that she needed to walk away. But she was fascinated, absorbed by Carmen the way women had always absorbed her.

"What does that even mean?" Carmen continued. "Making love? No. Fuck that. I wanna fuck. I wanna get mine."

With that, Carmen shoved Shane. The hairdresser stumbled backward into the kitchen counter and Carmen stepped into her. She placed her hands on either side of Shane, pinning the taller woman there, and then using the counter for leverage, rolled her body against Shane's. Carmen looked up from where she was pressed into Shane's chest. She paused a moment, to see if Shane would dip her head and initiate the kiss that Carmen was waiting for.

But Shane remained frozen, staring at Carmen, searching for self-control and trying to ignore the tingle where Carmen's body touched hers. Shane was ill equipped to turn down sex on her best day. To make matters worse, it was Carmen. Shane had always, would always find Carmen mouth-wateringly sexy. Their prior relationship was at least partially based on Shane's utter inability to stay away from the Latina, even when Carmen asked for things Shane was hesitant to give. Apparently little had changed, because Shane was definitely hesitant to give Carmen self-destructive rebound sex. And yet, she was still sandwiched against the kitchen counter.

Shane had taken too long. Carmen snaked a hand up, grabbed Shane's neck, and yanked her head down. Violently, Carmen brought Shane's mouth to hers and despite the questionable motivations and problematic implications, the moment when their lips met remained laden with the chemistry and passion that seemed to exist effortlessly and endlessly between them.

Carmen brought her other hand up to the back of Shane's head, and running her fingers through short, brown hair, pulled Shane forward, further into her. The kiss built slowly; Shane, though tentative in her response, was quickly acclimating to Carmen's lips. And when Carmen slipped a tongue into Shane's mouth, well, Shane promptly learned to appreciate the feel of that as well.

Shane's arms snuck around Carmen's waist and her hands reached longingly for the ass that she hadn't squeezed in three and a half years. Halting her descent and clenching her fists against her growing desire, Shane searched for the resolve to stop this. Said resolve came with the realization that Shane was on her second chance with Carmen, and probably wouldn't get a third one. If she fucked up this time, she wouldn't get to remain in Carmen's life. And as much as Shane might want sex with Carmen, she wanted Carmenmore.

With that, Shane's hands suddenly changed direction and flew to Carmen's shoulders where she grabbed the smaller woman and gently, but abruptly, pushed her away. Their lips broke with a smack and Carmen stepped backwards in a bit of daze, somewhat unsure of how she had gone from kissing Shane to not.

"Carmen, I'm sorry. I don't know if this is a good idea."

Carmen glanced at Shane's hands resting on her shoulders and finally realized what was happening. About 18 reactions occurred to Carmen, ranging from indifference to sadness, before she settled on wrath. Wrath always came easiest.

"Are you fucking serious?" Carmen asked indignantly. She shrugged off Shane's hands, turned and took two steps toward the door, then turned back around. Brandishing a pointer finger in Shane's face, Carmen began to shout. "You're good for one thing Shane. Sex. It's all anyone, your friends, your girlfriends, can rely on you for. So, I'm asking you for it. It's actually the only thing I've ever asked of you. Just do it. It's not like you have standards or personal dignity."

Carmen re-approached Shane, apparently ready to initiate contact once again, assuming her argument had proved convincing. But Shane held up an arm and stopped Carmen's advance.

"Carmen, no."

Carmen's eyes flashed with temporary hatred. "What is it? Am I too fucked up for you right now? Am I reminding you of Jenny?"

Carmen knew she had gone too far, but she couldn't stop. She wanted to see the hurt in Shane's eyes. She wanted a mirror for the pain she felt. She held her breath to see what Shane might do.

But Shane was spent. She was just too emotionally exhausted to do this anymore. Closing her eyes and shaking her head, she side-stepped Carmen and strode to the door, out of the kitchen, grabbing her car keys before marching through the front door and out of the house, leaving Carmen behind her without a word of goodbye.

Carmen followed Shane as she sped to the exit.

"Awesome Shane! The second best thing you're good at. Running away. It was nice knowing you," Carmen yelled after Shane's disappearing figure, before slamming the door and turning back into her empty house.

Now that Shane was gone, Carmen wasn't sure what to do with herself. She wandered back into the kitchen and momentarily considered cleaning up the remnants of Shane's attempted dinner, but the idea of being productive held little appeal when she felt so god damn destroyed. So she moved instead into the living room and flopped down onto the couch. She didn't want to do anything, but she also didn't want to do nothing, scared of what her mind might wander to if it wasn't occupied. So she began counting the dots in her stucco ceiling and successfully lost herself in the task, finding relief in the near meditative state she reached.

Carmen was roused from this trivial activity about 80 minutes later by a pounding on her door. Carmen rolled onto her front and stuffed her face into the couch cushions; there was no way she was going to answer that door.

Clearly, whoever it was had no intention of heeding her attempts to ignore them. After a few more knocks, Carmen heard the door open and the intruder bustled into the house. They moved into the kitchen, and just as Carmen began to wonder if she should be concerned, she heard a voice whisper, "check the living room." It was Shane. "Seriously?" Carmen wondered. What the fuck was Shane doing here? Had she not made it obvious enough that she didn't want to see Shane again?

Carmen lifted herself from the couch, prepared to do all but murder the woman who walked through the door, when into the room breezed… her mother. Carmen blinked. Was she dreaming? Before she had time to process the series of events, Mercedes was on the couch, wrapping her daughter in a hug.

"Carmecita, I'm here. Don't worry. I'm here."

Carmen sunk instinctively into the maternal familiarity. Her mother's arms and scent were so inherently comforting. Carmen realized how tense, how bottled she'd been for the past few days, trying to keep it all in and numb herself to any pain. But with her mother there, Carmen felt herself relax. And as soon as she relaxed, she broke.

"Mama," Carmen gasped through the tears that were already increasing in number and intensity.

"I know, baby. Shhh, I know." Mercedes cradled and rocked her daughter, letting Carmen sob into her shoulder.

"W-w-why?" Carmen whispered shakily, the question muffled by Mercedes' embrace. She raised her head to repeat the question, her eyes already red and her cheeks tear-streaked. "Why? Tell me why."

"Carmen, life doesn't always have immediate answers. You know this."

"No, you have to tell me. Why?"

Mercedes just shook her head and pulled Carmen back into her arms. "One day, baby, one day."

Even though Shane had seen this coming, it didn't make it any less heartbreaking as she watched from the doorway. It was the decision she'd been most sure of in the past few days, bringing in Carmen's mother for reinforcements. She'd driven directly to Mercedes' house after leaving Carmen's. All it had taken was two words of explanation—Olivia left—to get Mercedes in the car.

Now, Shane tried to think of something she could do, some way she could help. Just as she had decided to head into the kitchen to make some tea, Carmen's mother turned to her.

"Chane, please, you can go."

It wasn't a request; it was an order. Shane was taken aback by Mercedes' directness and mistook the dismissal as disapproval. It hurt, because as much as Mercedes was allowed to disapprove of Shane, she had hoped that perhaps she was beginning to work her way back into the good graces of the woman she had almost considered a mother.

"I-I, well, I thought-"

Mercedes tone softened. "I know you want to be here for her, but you've done enough, more than enough for now. Go home. Rest."

Shane was relieved at the gratefulness, the acknowledgement of her efforts from the past few days. She blew out a breath and couldn't help a small smile from playing across her face. It made her unexpectedly, but instantly happy to learn that Mercedes didn't actually hate her.

"Let me know if you need anything?"

"Si, of course," Mercedes answered. "Maybe, tomorrow, you come by for brunch. Bring friends. We'll try for a more…happy mood."

Shane flashed an even bigger grin. "Will do."

Shane turned to head out of the room, but Mercedes called her back one more time.

"Chane, you-," Mercedes faltered, unable to say all she was thinking. "I forgive you."

Shane stared at the woman on the couch. The words were heavy, and yet the way they lightened her, filled her like a balloon felt miraculous. Her eyes welled with tears. Was that the first time someone had ever said that to her and truly meant it? Shane nodded once, then turned out of the room before the tears could spill down her cheeks.


End file.
